missing the old ME

ive been trying my hardest to collect my clattered thoughts and the hardest part of it is putting it all together just to make sense. the mixed emotions and the unstable thoughts are getting the best out of me that i did fall on the trap and here i am, in the world of unknown and so unsure about myself.
i just wish i had enough energy and brain cells to continue keying letters on the keyboards. i wish i had enough strength to carry on with the stress i am into right now.
i missed the old me. i so do.

Commitements

"when a guy is too good to be true,
never believe him,
most often than not,
its either he's married or he's gay."
- jet2-

fixated as i am, i have been fooled and had fooled around for quite a number of times. relationship base, i little by little am becoming sort of wiser, depending on a given scenario or situation. i am still pretty much coward to commit into a more deeper and healthier relationship with the opposite sex. it is not that i am a lesbian and my gender preference has turned a 360 twist, (note: i have no worries with the third sex society), its just that, i am still not into that "having-a-relationship" idea to a male specie.

i am just, at the moment, am afraid to commit emotionally for i am not ready psychologically. we all know that living in this world was never easy. we breathe, we eat, we fight for the things we believe in and we struggle in order to survive the everyday life.

i believe, that in order for me to settle and have a harmonious relationship to the opposite sex, i should first become more emotionally and psychologically stable so that when the time comes that i needed to give in to the needs of my better half, i am well aware that i am not throwing off away my own needs to fill his and most importantly, i am not throwing away myself for the benifits of others.

at 23 and at this moment, as i key in the words on the keyboards, i realised that there are much more ahead of me. the zest of my life is yet to come and i should be ready for each of it. i am not yet a full bloomed water lilly in a big ocean with thousand of school of fishes.

i know time will come that i will be emotionally and psychologically ready to commit and once i do --- it'll be for keeps. for now, i am settling for something special with a very special friend who never fails to amaze me in much more ways than one. i am human, very capable of making mistakes, but the good thing is, i am able to accept that i have done something wrong. i tend to control my emotion including the guilty pleasure of feeling "love".

for now, i am enjoying.

regrets

"think positive and you will reap positive blessings" - jet de vera

It was friday of last week when the result of the November 2008 Nursing Licensure Exam was released. My friend Belyn sent me an SMS about the result and she was sad to note that one of our dear friend Karen failed to pass the exam.

Few months before she finally hit the hot spot on the examination room, Karen and I had a little misunderstanding. She continuously sends me some quotable quotes through SMS and i asked her why hasn't she put on much effort and time to study her notes and instead kept herself busy sending messages. I told her that she should keep herself busy because the exam date is getting near and yet there are a lot of things to be studied upon. When all i do is put her spirit up, encouraged her to study and pass the local board with flying colors, i explained to her the difficulty of taking the locals in a third and nth time and that, if we, her friends was able to pass the local board in a single take, why cant she? after all, she was studious and likes to work hard when she wanted something for real, sadly though, she took my words differently. She said to me, in an offended manner, that, i should not talk to her that way because i am just one of those "lucky-ones" who passed the locals on a single take. Offended as i am, i defended myself and said to her: it wasnt just mere luck that made me what i am now. it wasnt luck that lead me to dream big. i worked my fat arse hard because i am aiming for a goal. a certain goal that is hard to reach. a goal that i should meet only once because God knows how low my self esteem was and if i will add another wound to the already bruised and altered ego, where will i be when i fail? if i fail the locals, i didnt just fail myself, i will fail the dreams of my mother who worked hard for me and the sweet dreams of my sisters who also worked hard to send me to a decent school way back in college, send me to a dignified review center, if i fail the exam, i didnt just failed simply, i failed hard because the dreams of the people who loved me has also failed. i explained everything to Karen, making her understand the feelings that i do not want her to feel. i dont want her to fail me and my expectations, because i know she can do better. she also defended herself by saying: she didnt went to a review center and if she will fail the local, she is ready to retake. i was shocked when she said those lines, i detest her for saying those words. the negative impact of her words made my day sick. i do not think that poverty has something to do in the later-on success in life. i also have other friends who failed to enroll in a review center because they are financially drained, but their lack of financial support didnt hinder their dream of becoming a nurse and passing the local once and for all. it didnt hinder them from reviewing twice as much. exterted twice the effort. read twice as much and thrice as hard. after our confrontation, we ended on a bad note.

So when the result came in that afternoon of february 20, Karen didnt inform me that she failed. instead, Belyn did. i texted Karen to condole her, telling her that the locals and being a nurse is not a race, there will always be next time. telling her this rubbish words aint therapeutic at all, so i added: but the next time around, i just hope, you'll work quadripple as much. she told me she regretted everything. darn! the coulda-woulda-shoulda of her life has begun, she even asked for the world to end because she is such a failure, she said. so i told her: I TOLD U SO. she needed to hear that.

regrets comes on the end part of each actions that we made that turned sour. when things turns good, we dont regret doing it. but when things turned sour, we regret it. mind over body works. think postive and you will reap positive results. aim high and dream big. believe that you can do it. because if others can, why cant you? its such a rubbish way to say: better luck next time. because the best time is now and the word better is NOW and LUCK is for those who play the lottery. the time is now and never later.

is it worth the ask?

"The first key to writing is to write, not to think."
- William Forester (Finding Forester, 2000) -

finding the exact meaning of my thoughts are hard to achieve. i am in doubt. i am in compete distress as i started typing unto the keys of my keyboards. my distraut mind and senses are so into the blues that i hardly understand anything at all. i breathe in and breathe out and yet nothing has changed.

a week ago, i had this huge fight with my mother which turned out to be the most drastic and most horrifying fight we ever had. i am always used to my mother ,she is always firm and she doesn't mind if she hurts your feelings badly as long as she can voice her emotions out. she doesn't mind if you've been hurt by her physically as long as her anger comes out her being. she never accepted (not even once) that she was wrong. no. she is always right. she always is. it will always be somebody else's mistake. as long as it wasn't hers. i got used to this routinely act as i age. i got used to being physically bruised and emotionally shattered. but the last fight that we had is something else. it is even more than i can take. after all the slapping and sound spanking that i received from her, she blew it straight on my crying face.

i cried my way unto the bathroom as i remember what my mother told me and now i am still thinking if what has been instilled in my mind is right enough to believe the truth. there have been questions that seemed to be unanswered.

my sisters always told me, i could never understand the way married life goes because i am not in their situation. i absolutely agree. how can i understand the situation fully if i myself can't even relate to what they're feeling? if i cannot comprehend a single thought? and so with this fact alone, i let go of the idea of wanting to know more and moved on with what i only know and what they chose to let me know, after all, what i do not know won't hurt. knowing bits and pieces wouldn't hurt at all.

the drastic twist of fate lead me to finding new reasons. answers that seemed sureal. i even ended up asking my sisters about some of my worries. yes, endless questions that still seemed to be unanswered. i am really troubled.

you see, i grew up with no nanay at home, i was left with househelp and all sisters finished their college in nearby city which left me in the care of my yaya and my father. my yaya which sadly ended up as my father's other woman. now tell me, was it really my fault that my father ended having an affair with someone else? was it my fault that he turned his fascination to somebody else?

this is the reason why my disposition in life turned a 360 turn. my mother is blaming me for my father's indicent action. my mother blammed me for my father's desicion and she even brag about her finding a job abroad and she even discussed that i allowed my father to continue what i supposedly to stop.

tell me, in my young age, how can i possibly know the difference between indecent and decent act? i am then young, naive, plain, laid back. i didnt know somethings' cooking so how can i be able to stop something i didnt know?

i didnt know why my mother blamed me. either she's away (working in a foriegn country) or she's home, if my father wants to play with fire, no one can't stop him but his own conscience alone. marital problems belongs to the husband and wife, how come she's taking the blame on me?

this seemed to be endless. this seemed to be unanswerable. i cant stand the blame. mellow-dramtic or not its worth the ask.

Wit - It Runs In The Blood

i was recounting my shattered thoughts when i started writing this one. i do not even know how to start this one, all i know is that i needed to share this story, someway or another. i am not a funny person, as most people know me as candid and straight forward as ever. but some don't know that i am just a normal person who loves to laugh and just talk things straight.
when i was young, over a dinner (or was that lunch?) i asked my sister: "te, kung ang english ng auntie eh aunt, ano english ng uncle? unck?" all my sisters did was laugh their hearts out and even now as we remember those silly things that i did when i was young, we laugh at it.
just 2 nights ago, while taking dinner, my nephew Ram ran towards the table and asked: "te jet2, if a babaeng witch is called witch, ang lalakeng witch ba eh wotch?"
i was like... waaaaaaaa history repeats itself. then i explained to him about the difference between a witch and a warlock and he somehow understood.
yeah, no doubt, Ram is my nephew. nyahahaha

Review: The Chronicles of Narnia : Prince Caspian

Book Author: Clive Staples Lewis
Walt Disney Pictures
Walden Media Production

"Things will never happen the same way twice" - ASLAN

The power of mind and the ability to put that on writing was awesome. the power to create the most wonderful characters that tickles readers and viewers imagination.
I love the movie. I am fascinated with it. I am fascinated with the characters (the lion - Aslan, the centaurs, the brave princess and kings, the dignified rats etc) and how the author of the book (CS Lewis) created such powerful, fearless, un-imaginable characters.
Lucy - the faithful. she's the youngest among four siblings and yet she has this ability that surpasses her other siblings. she always have believed with Aslan. She is fearless, determined, constant.
The whole story however evolved with Prince Caspian's battle to win over his thrown as the rightful heir to the king from his greedy uncle who plotted Caspian's fathers death and the battle of Narnian's to bring back their freedom.

A Risk To Explain

"Mas madaling ngumiti kahit di ka masaya kaysa ipaliwanag sa lahat kung bakit malungkot ka"

who are you trying to fool by pretending everything's okay and alright though its not? was it you? or was it the people around you? you can fool others by faking a smile but you can never fool yourself, because at the end of the day, you can still find yourself curled up to bed, alone, sulking, crying. now tell me, are you still faking it?
since when did explaining become a mortal sin? people doesnt necessarily have to hear about your worries and how cruel your life is, those mellow dramatic events in your life. but isnt verbalizing helps one person cope up with stress? talking unloads burdens.
what if one asked you: WHY ARE YOU SAD? then you answer: I AM SAD FOR NO REASON AT ALL. what are you then? a mentally ill person?
would it help (even for a bit) to say: I AM SAD BECAUSE... however, the person youre talking to might not understood it well or might not get the whole picture for awhile but then he might possibly give you a slight light, a penny for his thoughts.
Are you not the one who taught me the value of the Gestalt Prayer? that one should not live by the expectation of the other. Are you also not the one who taught me that explaining wouldn't do us any harm and being vocally honest can then set all your worries free? that problems are solved because two individuals talked about their differences. should one hesitate verbalizing anger, it will lead to early death due to heart failure.
lastly, you are also the one who taught me the value of self expression. write it. vocalize it. explain it. IT IS A RISK EXPLAINING BUT AT LEAST YOUVE TRIED.
all people have problems. some are not afraid to show it. some are dying but they have accepted the fact that they are and yet they never loose hope... that there are still hope left for them. a hope that brings them a little spirit.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE STRUGGLING AND FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE IN A BATTLE FIELD. so be thankful enough that you are there, in front of your computer, typing on your keyboards, though aching atleast you are alive. some actually is there on the real scene on the heat of the war. some died without them even noticing it.

it will never easy going on your life pretending youre ok. as much as it will never be easy explaining to people your worries, and these people doesnt even give a bull.