is it worth the ask?

"The first key to writing is to write, not to think."
- William Forester (Finding Forester, 2000) -

finding the exact meaning of my thoughts are hard to achieve. i am in doubt. i am in compete distress as i started typing unto the keys of my keyboards. my distraut mind and senses are so into the blues that i hardly understand anything at all. i breathe in and breathe out and yet nothing has changed.

a week ago, i had this huge fight with my mother which turned out to be the most drastic and most horrifying fight we ever had. i am always used to my mother ,she is always firm and she doesn't mind if she hurts your feelings badly as long as she can voice her emotions out. she doesn't mind if you've been hurt by her physically as long as her anger comes out her being. she never accepted (not even once) that she was wrong. no. she is always right. she always is. it will always be somebody else's mistake. as long as it wasn't hers. i got used to this routinely act as i age. i got used to being physically bruised and emotionally shattered. but the last fight that we had is something else. it is even more than i can take. after all the slapping and sound spanking that i received from her, she blew it straight on my crying face.

i cried my way unto the bathroom as i remember what my mother told me and now i am still thinking if what has been instilled in my mind is right enough to believe the truth. there have been questions that seemed to be unanswered.

my sisters always told me, i could never understand the way married life goes because i am not in their situation. i absolutely agree. how can i understand the situation fully if i myself can't even relate to what they're feeling? if i cannot comprehend a single thought? and so with this fact alone, i let go of the idea of wanting to know more and moved on with what i only know and what they chose to let me know, after all, what i do not know won't hurt. knowing bits and pieces wouldn't hurt at all.

the drastic twist of fate lead me to finding new reasons. answers that seemed sureal. i even ended up asking my sisters about some of my worries. yes, endless questions that still seemed to be unanswered. i am really troubled.

you see, i grew up with no nanay at home, i was left with househelp and all sisters finished their college in nearby city which left me in the care of my yaya and my father. my yaya which sadly ended up as my father's other woman. now tell me, was it really my fault that my father ended having an affair with someone else? was it my fault that he turned his fascination to somebody else?

this is the reason why my disposition in life turned a 360 turn. my mother is blaming me for my father's indicent action. my mother blammed me for my father's desicion and she even brag about her finding a job abroad and she even discussed that i allowed my father to continue what i supposedly to stop.

tell me, in my young age, how can i possibly know the difference between indecent and decent act? i am then young, naive, plain, laid back. i didnt know somethings' cooking so how can i be able to stop something i didnt know?

i didnt know why my mother blamed me. either she's away (working in a foriegn country) or she's home, if my father wants to play with fire, no one can't stop him but his own conscience alone. marital problems belongs to the husband and wife, how come she's taking the blame on me?

this seemed to be endless. this seemed to be unanswerable. i cant stand the blame. mellow-dramtic or not its worth the ask.