Commitements

"when a guy is too good to be true,
never believe him,
most often than not,
its either he's married or he's gay."
- jet2-

fixated as i am, i have been fooled and had fooled around for quite a number of times. relationship base, i little by little am becoming sort of wiser, depending on a given scenario or situation. i am still pretty much coward to commit into a more deeper and healthier relationship with the opposite sex. it is not that i am a lesbian and my gender preference has turned a 360 twist, (note: i have no worries with the third sex society), its just that, i am still not into that "having-a-relationship" idea to a male specie.

i am just, at the moment, am afraid to commit emotionally for i am not ready psychologically. we all know that living in this world was never easy. we breathe, we eat, we fight for the things we believe in and we struggle in order to survive the everyday life.

i believe, that in order for me to settle and have a harmonious relationship to the opposite sex, i should first become more emotionally and psychologically stable so that when the time comes that i needed to give in to the needs of my better half, i am well aware that i am not throwing off away my own needs to fill his and most importantly, i am not throwing away myself for the benifits of others.

at 23 and at this moment, as i key in the words on the keyboards, i realised that there are much more ahead of me. the zest of my life is yet to come and i should be ready for each of it. i am not yet a full bloomed water lilly in a big ocean with thousand of school of fishes.

i know time will come that i will be emotionally and psychologically ready to commit and once i do --- it'll be for keeps. for now, i am settling for something special with a very special friend who never fails to amaze me in much more ways than one. i am human, very capable of making mistakes, but the good thing is, i am able to accept that i have done something wrong. i tend to control my emotion including the guilty pleasure of feeling "love".

for now, i am enjoying.

regrets

"think positive and you will reap positive blessings" - jet de vera

It was friday of last week when the result of the November 2008 Nursing Licensure Exam was released. My friend Belyn sent me an SMS about the result and she was sad to note that one of our dear friend Karen failed to pass the exam.

Few months before she finally hit the hot spot on the examination room, Karen and I had a little misunderstanding. She continuously sends me some quotable quotes through SMS and i asked her why hasn't she put on much effort and time to study her notes and instead kept herself busy sending messages. I told her that she should keep herself busy because the exam date is getting near and yet there are a lot of things to be studied upon. When all i do is put her spirit up, encouraged her to study and pass the local board with flying colors, i explained to her the difficulty of taking the locals in a third and nth time and that, if we, her friends was able to pass the local board in a single take, why cant she? after all, she was studious and likes to work hard when she wanted something for real, sadly though, she took my words differently. She said to me, in an offended manner, that, i should not talk to her that way because i am just one of those "lucky-ones" who passed the locals on a single take. Offended as i am, i defended myself and said to her: it wasnt just mere luck that made me what i am now. it wasnt luck that lead me to dream big. i worked my fat arse hard because i am aiming for a goal. a certain goal that is hard to reach. a goal that i should meet only once because God knows how low my self esteem was and if i will add another wound to the already bruised and altered ego, where will i be when i fail? if i fail the locals, i didnt just fail myself, i will fail the dreams of my mother who worked hard for me and the sweet dreams of my sisters who also worked hard to send me to a decent school way back in college, send me to a dignified review center, if i fail the exam, i didnt just failed simply, i failed hard because the dreams of the people who loved me has also failed. i explained everything to Karen, making her understand the feelings that i do not want her to feel. i dont want her to fail me and my expectations, because i know she can do better. she also defended herself by saying: she didnt went to a review center and if she will fail the local, she is ready to retake. i was shocked when she said those lines, i detest her for saying those words. the negative impact of her words made my day sick. i do not think that poverty has something to do in the later-on success in life. i also have other friends who failed to enroll in a review center because they are financially drained, but their lack of financial support didnt hinder their dream of becoming a nurse and passing the local once and for all. it didnt hinder them from reviewing twice as much. exterted twice the effort. read twice as much and thrice as hard. after our confrontation, we ended on a bad note.

So when the result came in that afternoon of february 20, Karen didnt inform me that she failed. instead, Belyn did. i texted Karen to condole her, telling her that the locals and being a nurse is not a race, there will always be next time. telling her this rubbish words aint therapeutic at all, so i added: but the next time around, i just hope, you'll work quadripple as much. she told me she regretted everything. darn! the coulda-woulda-shoulda of her life has begun, she even asked for the world to end because she is such a failure, she said. so i told her: I TOLD U SO. she needed to hear that.

regrets comes on the end part of each actions that we made that turned sour. when things turns good, we dont regret doing it. but when things turned sour, we regret it. mind over body works. think postive and you will reap positive results. aim high and dream big. believe that you can do it. because if others can, why cant you? its such a rubbish way to say: better luck next time. because the best time is now and the word better is NOW and LUCK is for those who play the lottery. the time is now and never later.

is it worth the ask?

"The first key to writing is to write, not to think."
- William Forester (Finding Forester, 2000) -

finding the exact meaning of my thoughts are hard to achieve. i am in doubt. i am in compete distress as i started typing unto the keys of my keyboards. my distraut mind and senses are so into the blues that i hardly understand anything at all. i breathe in and breathe out and yet nothing has changed.

a week ago, i had this huge fight with my mother which turned out to be the most drastic and most horrifying fight we ever had. i am always used to my mother ,she is always firm and she doesn't mind if she hurts your feelings badly as long as she can voice her emotions out. she doesn't mind if you've been hurt by her physically as long as her anger comes out her being. she never accepted (not even once) that she was wrong. no. she is always right. she always is. it will always be somebody else's mistake. as long as it wasn't hers. i got used to this routinely act as i age. i got used to being physically bruised and emotionally shattered. but the last fight that we had is something else. it is even more than i can take. after all the slapping and sound spanking that i received from her, she blew it straight on my crying face.

i cried my way unto the bathroom as i remember what my mother told me and now i am still thinking if what has been instilled in my mind is right enough to believe the truth. there have been questions that seemed to be unanswered.

my sisters always told me, i could never understand the way married life goes because i am not in their situation. i absolutely agree. how can i understand the situation fully if i myself can't even relate to what they're feeling? if i cannot comprehend a single thought? and so with this fact alone, i let go of the idea of wanting to know more and moved on with what i only know and what they chose to let me know, after all, what i do not know won't hurt. knowing bits and pieces wouldn't hurt at all.

the drastic twist of fate lead me to finding new reasons. answers that seemed sureal. i even ended up asking my sisters about some of my worries. yes, endless questions that still seemed to be unanswered. i am really troubled.

you see, i grew up with no nanay at home, i was left with househelp and all sisters finished their college in nearby city which left me in the care of my yaya and my father. my yaya which sadly ended up as my father's other woman. now tell me, was it really my fault that my father ended having an affair with someone else? was it my fault that he turned his fascination to somebody else?

this is the reason why my disposition in life turned a 360 turn. my mother is blaming me for my father's indicent action. my mother blammed me for my father's desicion and she even brag about her finding a job abroad and she even discussed that i allowed my father to continue what i supposedly to stop.

tell me, in my young age, how can i possibly know the difference between indecent and decent act? i am then young, naive, plain, laid back. i didnt know somethings' cooking so how can i be able to stop something i didnt know?

i didnt know why my mother blamed me. either she's away (working in a foriegn country) or she's home, if my father wants to play with fire, no one can't stop him but his own conscience alone. marital problems belongs to the husband and wife, how come she's taking the blame on me?

this seemed to be endless. this seemed to be unanswerable. i cant stand the blame. mellow-dramtic or not its worth the ask.

Wit - It Runs In The Blood

i was recounting my shattered thoughts when i started writing this one. i do not even know how to start this one, all i know is that i needed to share this story, someway or another. i am not a funny person, as most people know me as candid and straight forward as ever. but some don't know that i am just a normal person who loves to laugh and just talk things straight.
when i was young, over a dinner (or was that lunch?) i asked my sister: "te, kung ang english ng auntie eh aunt, ano english ng uncle? unck?" all my sisters did was laugh their hearts out and even now as we remember those silly things that i did when i was young, we laugh at it.
just 2 nights ago, while taking dinner, my nephew Ram ran towards the table and asked: "te jet2, if a babaeng witch is called witch, ang lalakeng witch ba eh wotch?"
i was like... waaaaaaaa history repeats itself. then i explained to him about the difference between a witch and a warlock and he somehow understood.
yeah, no doubt, Ram is my nephew. nyahahaha

A Risk To Explain

"Mas madaling ngumiti kahit di ka masaya kaysa ipaliwanag sa lahat kung bakit malungkot ka"

who are you trying to fool by pretending everything's okay and alright though its not? was it you? or was it the people around you? you can fool others by faking a smile but you can never fool yourself, because at the end of the day, you can still find yourself curled up to bed, alone, sulking, crying. now tell me, are you still faking it?
since when did explaining become a mortal sin? people doesnt necessarily have to hear about your worries and how cruel your life is, those mellow dramatic events in your life. but isnt verbalizing helps one person cope up with stress? talking unloads burdens.
what if one asked you: WHY ARE YOU SAD? then you answer: I AM SAD FOR NO REASON AT ALL. what are you then? a mentally ill person?
would it help (even for a bit) to say: I AM SAD BECAUSE... however, the person youre talking to might not understood it well or might not get the whole picture for awhile but then he might possibly give you a slight light, a penny for his thoughts.
Are you not the one who taught me the value of the Gestalt Prayer? that one should not live by the expectation of the other. Are you also not the one who taught me that explaining wouldn't do us any harm and being vocally honest can then set all your worries free? that problems are solved because two individuals talked about their differences. should one hesitate verbalizing anger, it will lead to early death due to heart failure.
lastly, you are also the one who taught me the value of self expression. write it. vocalize it. explain it. IT IS A RISK EXPLAINING BUT AT LEAST YOUVE TRIED.
all people have problems. some are not afraid to show it. some are dying but they have accepted the fact that they are and yet they never loose hope... that there are still hope left for them. a hope that brings them a little spirit.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE STRUGGLING AND FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE IN A BATTLE FIELD. so be thankful enough that you are there, in front of your computer, typing on your keyboards, though aching atleast you are alive. some actually is there on the real scene on the heat of the war. some died without them even noticing it.

it will never easy going on your life pretending youre ok. as much as it will never be easy explaining to people your worries, and these people doesnt even give a bull.

This Too Shall Pass

when i accepted the fact that i am in love with Mr. Right, i gave it my best shot. i informed him of my feelings towards him and i told him a dozen times how much he means to me and how important he is. distance sets me and Mr. Right apart but that didn't deter us from experiencing love more than we expected. by loving him, i never expected anything in return. i kept on saying: I LOVE YOU BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN U HAVE TO LOVE ME BACK.
i am as poor as a rat and i could not buy love out of him. even if i am rich, i know no one can buy out love from somebody. all i can offer is honesty and real love that goes beyond the boarder of internet and distance. i am just a typical girlfriend, mellow-dramatic, the jealous type. one day, i found things to be irrational. i never wanted to burst my anger and freak out on him, i don't want to tell him that i am dead jealous over a certain picture, he and our friend joked about. so i kept quiet. little did i know, he was then entertaining someone else. Mr. Right is sick, he always is from the day i met him 2 years back. but beyond all this facts, my love for him never ceases. i have strong faith in him and his capacity to over come what ever he is feeling. my love for him grew strong and much stronger from day after day that we continuously communicate through phone calls, texts, emails and chats.
the time wanted to be alone because i want to be silent and recount my thoughts, fate played a tricky game on Mr. Right and i. he wasn't feeling well then and he thought i left him the moment he needed me the most and instead drove him to someone else. but the truth is I NEVER DID LEFT HIM. all i wanted that time was to catch my breath and gather my crumpled senses. the time i came back to my being, he is in the hands of another woman. i wanted to crash myself up and beat my body to work til i couldn't open my eyes the morning after. i drowned myself with alcohol and flushed myself on the toilet a couple of times. i danced, i sang, i shouted, just to allow myself to express how mad i am and how devastated i am. i felt bad after doing it though. drowning myself in alcohol is never the solution, it is nonetheless an act of immaturity and childishness. yes. immaturity. i am immature. the way Mr. Right described my whole being. the day i woke up from my heavy long nightmare, the reality set in. i am no longer Mr. Right girlfriend. he is now Ms. Perfect's man. he wrongly believed that i left him and allowed him to be with that girl but i didn't, though i found it odd how this woman talked a lot about him when she haven't even met noel in the first place. she befriended me, and i befriended her. and with this friendship, she knew the real score between me and Mr. Right though we tried to hide it from the people around us, to lessen unwanted and fabricated stories from the people around us. however, from my point of view, i find the idea of them together as cute since they are of the same age bracket, same maturity, same length of achievements, same... just the same.
sadly now though, after fate played its trick on me and Mr. Right, everything ended as if nothing special happened for the past nine months. everything banished.
I NEVER PUSHED MS. PERFECT TO MR. RIGHT NOR HAVE I PUSHED MR. RIGHT TO MS. PERFECT. she was just there at the right time.
As i continuously typed this (as a form of reply to the status of my dear friend Irene) i asked myself:

1. if Mr. Right really loved me truthfully, why did he allow himself to fall for someone who just barged in into our relationship a few days after our misunderstanding? is he really that shallow as a person? or was his feelings for me too-good-to-be-true that it is nothing but PURE LIE? did he tell me he love me out of pity and a week later realized he didnt' love me after all?
2. the woman i am talking about, Ms. Perfect, she was a dear friend. i considered her as a friend, but then i asked myself: i know she already knew the real score between me and my noel even before they met, still, why did she allow herself to fall for someone who is already emotionally committed?
3. lets take out from the equation the norms of commitment, still, why did she allow herself to fall for noel when she already knew i am with him and he is with me? does friendship never mater nowadays?
4. if brain is much more powerful than mind, why did this things happened? isnt it factual to say that anatomically, brain is located on the upper part of the human body so that, at some very distinct point, the brain can actually manuever even a single percent of emotion a person can have? then why did her/his brain didnt tell her/him to just stop and think for a while... that if she and he will persue this emotion someone else might actually get hurt along the way?
5. lastly i asked myself: why am i actually recounting thoughts and asking things like this? why am i asking this? WHY DID SUDDENLY MR. RIGHT ENDED UP BEING MR. LEFT? tell me who am i to blame them for falling in love with each other? and who are they to hurt me this much?
to wrap this up, on the process of DABDA where denial.. anger.. bargaining.. depression and acceptance sets in... WHERE AM I NOW? IN WHAT STAGE I AM NOW?
A friend named Heide asked me... are you ok? i vocally answered. I AM NOT. if i would answer I AM OK, then i end up asking again, who am i trying to fool that i am ok? was it me? or was it the people around me?
I am HURT. deeply HURT at that. I AM COPING... I KNOW I CAN. even a song from a group 98 degrees stated: there will always be sunshine after the rain. when all things sets in, the reality strikes. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

"hindi ibig sabihin na nalanta na ang isang talulut ng rosas ang buong hardin ay mawawalan na ng saysay. oo maganda tingnan ang rosas na namumukadkad, pero darating din ang panahon na itoy nalalanta. NGUNIT darating din ang panahon na ang rosas ay muling magkakaroon ng isang panibagong bulaklak at tulad ng nakagawian na, itoy mamumukadkad at hahalimuyak ulit." --- jet

"in every sunset... sunrise will always set in, its a never ending cycle of nature" - jet2

2:12PM (+8GMT)

A Kids Battle

so ive been terribly insane this past week. feeling confused (the usual) and feeling so negative of almost everything that i do. so it aint good. i know that matter-of-factly. been doing lots of insane things that led me to having low self esteem and low morales. everything just crushed instantly and little did i noticed it. working in the new environment is something i am into right now. hospital work is terrifying and it has made a great non-substantive effect on me. as often being told by the many, things happen for a reason and i guess, it always does. one wrong move could prove something horrible. so as a nurse, i have to keep things uptight and straight so things will fall into place.
i have this one 10 month old patient who looks extremely fragile and having diagnosed for having a Kawasaki’s Disease (KD) which is defined as an (1)acute febrile illness of infants and children in which redness of the mucous membranes, skin and tongue are associated with swelling of the hands and feet and subsequent desquamation (peeling of the skin) of the hands and feet. Other signs include swollen lymph nodes of the neck (cervical lymphadenitis), redness and swelling of the eyes (conjuctival congestion), sores in the mouth (stomatitis) and swollen lips (chelitis). After a week or two the skin of the hands and feet begin to peel starting around the nails. Upwards of 20% of patients develop coronary artery complications, however most patients have uneventful recoveries without any long term problems.
having seen how the child fought for his life and how miserable the mother looked, thin and pale and still keeping that little emotion for her little one, the father looked terrible too, but he kept himself composed and looked strong though worries is visible in his face.
in nursing school, we were taught that what should be give out empathy and never sympathy, but after looking at the kids' condition, all red and lying on bed with high degree of fever, i never felt so weak. i stared a moment or two at the mothers face and all i saw was fear and great love for her kid. i gave out moral support to the parents saying never to loose hope and i continuously prayed silently for the kids health that he'll get better.

one more problem that the entire family is shouldering is the fact that the hospital bill is sky rocketing and they hardly had enough money to buy a less expensive medicine. all of us in the nurse station felt bad about the families condition and yet we were helpless. one regular nurse helped out by buying a medicine out from her own pocket just to keep the temperature of the child low.
i never felt such vigor running in my extremes. too strong emotions and such intensity. for a moment, i ran at the nearest comfort room to breathe as my tears shed. i prayed so hard for the child's condition and i never felt so helpless.
the next day, i was told that the family decided to transfer to a public hospital which has less hospital expenses and less medicine price. less professional fee, less accommodation and fee, and i just wish that it wont be less service from the doctors and nurses.
now i wonder, if HEALTH IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT, why is it that there are still people who are deprived from such right? who is then should be blamed?

(1) http://www.aocd.org/skin/dermatologic_diseases/kawasakis-disease.html

Beat It

"in life, we come across humps and bumps. we stumble. we fall. we bleed. every wound forms a scar and every scar has a great story. each story reminds us of how we fought life's challenges and trials and how we remained strong and genuine all throughout"

-- Mirthedle B. de Vera --


Late last night, 8th of June, i was with my friend Rochelle as we both took a long walk going to the busy streets of our little city. the moon is on its proudest form while the stars glitters brightly on the black heavens. i feel cold all night even when i already wore a jacket. im sick. yes, i was sick since last Thursday, feeling so weak with my cough that triggers my headache, a colds that seemed not to run out. yes, i drink more than one gram of medicine everyday (vitamin C and a multi-vitamins, both 500mg each) i also drink an expectorant syrup for my cough. yes, all these medicines are making me more sick. i always despised drinking medicine. i hate routinely done activities as much as i hate drinking medicines. but i was left with no choice but to drink those medicines.

i sent out an SMS to Rochelle informing her that im passing by her house to fetch her because i needed someone to talk to. so while we're walking and talking, we're discussing about her and her boyfriend (whom i forgot the name). "everything is fine" she said and directly asked how im doing as of the moment. "i am good though i am currently boyfriend-less" i replied while laughing. "having no boyfriend doesn't make me less a woman" i continued.

as we continued walking and eating grilled peanuts, we kept on discussing anything that came across our minds, Rochelle is a talker, she has this wide ideas and she will always be this bubbly, simple and straight forward person whom I've known since i was kindergarten. she will always be this person who knew the real jet-jet from with in. she can always read me like a transparent book. she knows when i out-0f-nowhere popped out in their door steps and cry like a baby on her shoulders.

since it was sunday, we easily noticed that there are lovers (teens and trying to be teens) having a little smooching, holding-hands-while-walking, staring-at-each-other-scenario views. and all Rochelle and i uttered was: "right.. just right". we also noticed few formed groups, one of them was this almost-like biblical group singing worship songs, one group also looks like an emo (you know those teen men and women wearing all blacks from head to toe --- the new generation X or something like that). some brought their guitars and sang their songs as if theres no tomorrow. there are also group of teenagers dancing (or maybe practicing a dance). kids are all over the place and it was really fun looking at their faces. the place was well lit and police station is just around the corner.

the small city of Tagum (which is about 55Km. North of Davao City) is really progressing and it's nice to know that the place where i was born and raised is economically developing. the building of the new SM and Gaisano Mall is highly anticipated by the Tagumeños.

Anyway, i was sick and yet i felt like i wasn't sick at all. i had fun chatting to Rochelle though i felt sad from with in, but Rochelle somehow eased everything and made me smile. atleast for a moment or two, she made me forget my problems. and i thanked her for that.

Divided Road

I've been staring on this page for more than half an hour and i just couldn't understand what to put in here. There are times in my life that all i wanna do is pour everything out and write as fast as i can and just leave everything behind. Often times it works, but there will always be an exemption to every rule. Things happen for a reason as what other people say, Thy will be done of course.
Before i went to sleep early this morning, something unlikely happened. Everything slipped like grains of sand flowing from my hands into the ground. I wasn't caught off guard but heaven knows i don't want to end it just like that. Yes! i could say this in total honesty, I have been entertaining the "thoughts" for more than a day, but i wasn't prepared that the exact day will be last night.
I felt like I'm draining inside out so I forced myself to sleep because i do not want to shred a single tear. I know i can bear it with inhale-exhale continuous cycle, besides, tears will not boost my morales either. I curled myself to bed and covered my face with a pillow. No more tears please, i said to myself. I'll deal with this tomorrow when my mind is fresh and i am able to think straight and normal. Just not now.
And so tomorrow is now, and here i am. What now?
Truth here is: I've been confused for the past days for a different reason. I maybe young at 22, but time is running fast and all i wanted was to settle for something i know i can do good. I felt like I'm worthless at some point, looking at those people who have been living their life productively. I already confided to my friends and my counselor about this matter and they stated the same thing. Maybe my time isn't "right-now" but everything will fall into their right places in due time. They kept on consoling me with the "been-there-done-that" scenario. This is whats bugging me for the past weeks. This is the reason why i felt like I'm totally drained and confused.
I have so much on my plate right now that i do not understand anything at all. My brain is not functioning and I felt like it shut down for no reason.
On the other part of the world, the only source of my happiness has more to think about at the moment. I understood it plainly. He stated the facts, laid down his cards, so who am i to interfere? I know that there will be no room for regrets here since at one point thats what i really wanted.
Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be --- as the song goes. Maybe everything is too much at the moment. The least i need now is someone telling me (or making me feel) how moron i am and how unproductive i am living my life at the moment (yes! he means well, but when a persons morales is as low as the deepest part of the world, a person could just think about anything. NO! its not about mis-understanding the whole phrase and not thoroughly reading between the lines but It felt like: adding more insult to the injured). And the least he needs now is someone as foolish as me. I don't want him wasting his saved energy and listen to my endless personal problems. (well, he doesn't want it either --- he has more to look ahead).
For now, i have plans. Make the most out of me. (and I'm pretty sure he also has his plans) The next time i face him, i will make sure that i have something to offer and not just the plain me. The next time i had him, i will never let him leave again. For now, we both have different roads to cross and different struggles to surpass. Till then

Selling Myself

i thought the very hard thing to do is finish college, then when i took the NLE (Nursing Licensure Exam) i thought, that was the hardest battle i will conquer, now at present, as i realize it, this is the moment of truth and the hardest thing is SELLING ONE'S SELF.
no. its not what you think. im not stating literal terms here. just not beyond that of course. anyway, for the past days ive been getting in and out in corporate offices (i.e., call centers & hospitals) sending out my resumès to get employed the soonest possible time, looking pretty neat and wearing heels ain't a joke, taking notice that im not that small and my foots capacity to carry a girl whose weight is more than the average is not that easy, but still, i carry on a confident smile, answered each questions that are thrown by the HR (Human Resource) Personnel.
at the end of the hard day battle of finding a perfect job, i lie on bed, eat one meal a day, drink plenty of water, take a bath the morning after then do the same routine that seemed endless.

Why... why... why... and when?

geez, i have to write this as fast as i can, i have so much in my mind and i don't want to loose the flowing thoughts. well, i was about to sleep when i saw some nice pictures on the avatars of those who are listed on my yahoo account list. at some weird point, i saw this picture of a couple whom i know for almost a year or two. he and his current girlfriend has this very nice captured picture where the two of them are kissing. then it all turned up-side-down again... the picture was captured perfectly. well, maybe i because i know both of them and i can sense that the romance is there, pretty visible and undeniable.
Faith Dolon (a dear friend of mine --- who's also a certified blogger) thought about this stuff ages ago and i was like: we will just be fine, after all, having no man in our life doesn't make us less human. but still, why.. why.. why.. Delilah? why is it that when i see pictures such as this one, it makes me think of things like --- what the heck is wrong with me? why don't i have pictures such as this one? why is it that i have no man on my own? its been ages since the last time i read a love letter specially made for me. its been decades since the last time i received a sweet ILOVEYOU from a person whom i like and love (of course, excluding those suitors who thought they love me --- hahaha :))=)) silly them for thinking that way) and lastly, its been ages since the last time i received a flower, a chocolate, a kiss? waaaa am i being silly? or is it normal for my age (at 22) to fantasize things like this? it is more of fantasy? or... what do i call it? state of mind?
however, as stated in the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, we humans need LOVE & BELONGINGNESS. of course i feel that ive been loved by a lot of people at some extreme point. ive been loved by my nanay, my ate's and kuya's, my nephews (who are all smart ass kids), my friends (cyber friends and real ones), but well, i cannot deny it, i need love from the opposite sex too. ive been single for the past 3 years and it is getting pretty boring. i get tired of dating and i get tired of flings and all i wanted now is the "real" stuff.
Faith and i talked about this stuff 3 days ago, she told me about this recent story from her personal experience, she went home from Mati for a trip (or whatever) and she said that: she saw this couple as she drive through the Mary's Woods at Mati City, Davao Oriental. as per her (Faith's) story, the guy took the hand of the girl and held her then they bowed and prayed, and Faith got amused and asked her self, why? why don't she have things like that? well, as a friend, i told her, it is a consolation to think that things like that are not bound to happen in our life, well, it will in due time, but not this time of the year, when both of us are thinking of growing our personal life in a more social manner and work comes first before pleasure. it sure did, she replied sadly.
but well, why... why... why... and WHEN?

How To Justify A Lie

is it rightful to give someone a second chance? i woke up with this thoughts banging on the wall of my half awake, half asleep brain. ***sigh***
if he or she lied and you got hurt, do you think it is still worth it to save the friendship / relationship and sleep over the pain and act as if nothing painful has happened?
to what extent should second chances be possible? if he is real and the emotions are authentic, then why did he or she even try to hurt you? or even attempted to lie? if he or she was able to lie and hurt you now that the emotions and feelings are still vulnerable, could it be possible that these things can occur again and again?
if we are only humans and capable of doing mistakes, is that a fair reason to justify a committed lie? isn't it that lying a choice? to commit or not to commit? are we not taught during our elementary years that it is morally unjust to lie? and it is harmful to one's trust and loyalty?
furthermore, isn't it factual to say that in reality relationship and friendship ends because a lie has been committed? if we break someone else's trust, what is there to give more? isn't it factual to say that after a certain lie, we become uncomfortable to our friends or partners and that we're caught between telling the truth or leaving it as if nothing has happened? we become confused and tends to do more rightful things to compensate to the committed sin?
to sum this up, we are still bounded by our morales whether we like it or not and it will always be our choice to weigh things up and adhere to what our hearts tells us, to what our conscience tells us. it will always be our choice to drive the way to our destined path of life. and it will always be my own question to my inner self, on how to justify a lie ---

Change

this is a copy of our practice test for the IELTS (International English Language Test System) exam.

STATEMENT: some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. others, however, think that change is always a good thing.

MY ANSWER:

"change is the only constant thing in this world" a certain college Physics professor once said during our classroom discussion when i was still in my second year college. And just like everything else in the world, state of mind changes. Some do it for the better, some for the worst and just enough percentage, some because they are left with no choice.
however, some people find it difficult to move out and walk on a different path, some would prefer doing the same things all over again because those are the things that they do best and they grow as matured individual by doing so. they remain and stayed because in their point of views, thats is where they find stability, assurance and thats what they termed as their "comfort zones".
however, some people thinks that it is good to change. change in terms of place, work, thoughts, physical appearance and the likes. and just recently, a dear teacher told me that she will no longer be teaching english subject by the next semester and she opted to do something else. as i asked her why, she then told me that her "calling" in the education field is fruitfully served and that she will then be venturing to a new job or any worthwhile activities. as i thought about it, moving out and changing minds comes handy, it takes courage, gut and self determination and by doing this, she faces new challenges and adventures, she took the risk and faces the consequences of her own action.
to sum this up, i believe that we need to move out in our comfort zones and learn to embrace change, it takes one great deal of time, effort and will to face new challenges. but it is exciting to meet new people, venture with the new atmosphere and new surroundings, social and personal growth will likely what awaits, and if, just if, in the end of the road we find unfamiliar things, we get hurt by the humps and bumps, remember that these are the consequences of our actions. we need to embrace these things too and we should never give up no matter how disappointed become. through mistakes, we learn our lessons, through lessons, we change.

To Be Or Not To Be

how difficult is it to choose between loving and leaving? i was asked by this question earlier by my friend and i was like --- huh? is it really necessary for me to answer that question? we always have the choice --- the lessons we get from the decisions we've made are the answers to our questions, it may not be as specific as thought it should be, not that literal ABC, and yet it molds us to become more human. God has the reason for everything, you have the will to choose.
in regard to this topic, a dear good friend of mine told me that he choose the lesser evil for he doesn't want me to get hurt in the end and i was like --- then, he is hurting me now. he has the choice to spend time with me and it would be in Gods hand if He will take him away from me, but its a big consolation that we spent marvelous time together.
yes, he has something on him self, a certain thing no one would want and yet, i accepted it right from the start --- i took everything and i am willing to take everything, he didn't want that thing in him, nobody would want that. he was loosing all the hopes and he's fighting to live and all i wanna do is spent time with him all through out his battle.
yes, i was foolishly and emotionally hooked up with someone who doesn't even want anything to do with me, i was just so crazily in love with the idea of SOON and wasn't able to look at the present, the present that states, no matter how hard i pushed myself to him, it will not work, not in a million years.
yes, the truth hits like a stone thrown on my face. it was like more of a back hand slap on my face. a great smash, a powerful kick. yes, he lied --- and that sucks, and i was left with no choice but to fill the emptiness alone and fill the gap with in. stand up and move on from the exact place where i fell.

the questions will always remain as:
1. are you ready to gamble your heart and emotions?
2. will you be together for the rest of your life?
3. is there any assurance for eternal happiness?
4. how long will it last?
5. are you willing to it all?

there will never be any assurance of eternal happiness, because from time to time, risks are there, heated feelings are present, obstacles are rampant, struggles are visible, change of emotions can be possible, there are even no assurance that it will last long.

in conclusion, it was said that one cannot question the existence of feelings, they are there, raw, vulnerable and undeniable, but one can choose not to nurture what is felt, and yet no matter what they say, what was has been felt will always be more honest than what was chosen

Alone But Never Lonely

i was nonetheless extremely busy with loads of things lately, and while i was so bored and doing nothing, i ran through some write up faith and her 360. i was caught off guard with her title page that stated: TANG-INA, IM SINGLE --- and while reading the article, i was astonished to see my name written on that post. however, all i can do now is post this for her honor and say this various thoughts that i have on my mind. i will just let this flow, after all, i did have hard time reading that article for it was written in a Tagalog module. i was like, what was that in english again? haha --- i seldom see her write her piece in tagalog though.

if i could just say this --- please try hard enough to comprehend:

yes, it was our choice to remain single and remain happy that way. it was not our accidental choice, it was a choice made freely by us whom at some distinct point or another, loved the decisions that we made.

yes, it sometimes sucks when we see other couples holding hards and making "their" thing along the busy streets of the city or in a crowded place like the mall, it sucks, its tempting, and yet, when i think about it -- nahh.. damn... not really (two opposing ideas eh?) i mean, maybe love doesnt work for us, but its a consolation to say that at least it worked for others.

yes, we have to settle for something not less. theres no point settling for something less ayt? i mean --- our work is our bread and wine.. este.. wine nga, and hindi lang butter... it just so happened that we prioritized our work as the number one in our life and the love life? comes before the last part of the list.

it is not just a consolation that we're doing our "thing" in a great way --- it is, but a great thought that we are extremely over powering our work that we even succeeded it. we may not be successful in terms of love affairs and work comes in first, but we are, successful in many ways than one.

and lastly... YES. we have so much to thank for --- that love has not yet over powered our ways to extreme satisfaction.. in due time --- it will.

Horrifying And Dissapointing

I have been writing for so long now, 7 years to be exact. I started out making petty poems way back second year high school and continuously wrote many articles in different genre and most of what i wrote are very personal --- those are my personal struggles in life, my social life and just about anything and everything in my life. Though I never let anyone read my write ups, i kept it to myself because i found it very childish and unreal, i never even posted any of my writings to the school paper or any local newspapers not until the spurt of blog sites and all i did was continuously write my thoughts and let it flow like a water fall. i was then confident with the way things are with my writings. Yes, there are, from time to time, a push and pull of ideas, a mixed un-subsided emotions and all those log and roll thoughts, and through this mistakes, i grow up to be a novice writer (and i still often times envy those people who writes better than i do).
The IELTS (International English Language Test System) exam has 4 parts, these are : Listening, Reading, Writing and Speaking. And just because i was so eager to take this exam, i even enrolled myself in a decent review center for the IELTS. the only difference with the way i write on blog sites and the IELTS exam is that, blog sites has no rules and no ground-breaking and out-of-nowhere topics, comparing to the IELTS exam where there are limited numbers of words to be expressed out (250 for the second part and 150 on the first part).
Just last Saturday and Sunday, during the exam proper, i flunked out. well, i just concluded that i did because the results are not yet out. i felt so miserable and so stupid for writing so damn words for it was too way out of the line and the thoughts are not concrete. i felt like crying and shouting 'til i ran out of voice. i was even so confident with the 3 parts except for the reading part because i am a slow reader and yet, after the exam, i was in tears with my performance on the writing test. two weeks from now, i will be getting the exam result, though my confidence is low, so thus my self esteem, i will still be hoping for the best. i can still cross my fingers and wish that they will give me decent points.
and now, as i write this, i am just so devastated and lost. *sigh* i will be posting the works i've done during the review month --- just keep posted.

picture perfect

they say, a single picture contains a thousands words. however, if i post a pure black and white picture, what is there to tell? i don't know what came into me and why i suddenly, out of nowhere, figured to post a reading like this. maybe because some pictures, if magnified in clear lenses, tells a lot about something. i got this certain shot when i google some wonderful, worth watching pictures and just thought, wow, this is pretty amazing. i will write something about this and by then, i will be able to see what are the details in this certain picture.
first, the picture of sun down. who in his right mind wouldn't want to see this beautiful and blissful event? sun down reminds me, personally, of how powerful God can be. the sun, scientifically is made up of two main elements, hydrogen and helium. Hydrogen makes up about 92% of all of the atoms in the sun while helium makes up about 7.8%. carbon and oxygen, neon and nitrogen make up most of the remaining 0.2% this is according to education.jlab.org. See how wonderful the creations of God can be?
then i asked myself: how can He possibly do that? the earth encircling the sun day after day and yet they don't crash in humps and bumps into each others' shoulder. miracle. just certain powerful miracle. a certain power that even people with great minds cannot comprehend.
secondly, the other side of the picture tells a lot about love and romance as two persons collide and is just silently seated on a bench watching the sun set and with deep silence, their visible hearts are talking. it is more of the freedom to love talking and spending a wonderful and peaceful moment with someone special is worth while.
i was wondering when will i be seeing things like this around the corner of our little city. i mean, i've seen loads of sweethearts' as sweet and wonderful as this picture tells but when i think about it, what is there beyond the whole picture? what does a picture almost captured perfectly contains? some goosebumps i suppose. some fragments of the not-so-ideal at some point.
when will i be spending marvelous and breath-taking moments like this for real? what is there to lose if i don't experience this things at all?
*deep sigh*

Will You Be Just A Dream?

just like every girls' dream
i longed to be loved and to be cared for
a need to have someone whom i will spend the rest of my life with
to have and to hold
a certain someone who will accept me for who i truly am
beyond my mistakes
beyond all the physical attributes

i dreamed of being a part of you a year ago
and i have always been dreaming of you to be a part of me

will you always be just a dream?
so near and yet so far

Butterfly

i always believe that we cannot have everything in life and that life's great satisfaction is not based on material things. i am, at the moment, clueless. for some obvious reasons, i have been constantly praying for this. to pass the local and proceed to what ever leads my way. but i was also struck with the truth that from now on, i will be on my own, making my own decision and providing for my own personal needs. i will have the best in life if i do good in what ever decision i make from time to time. failing is the greatest risk.
i don't know if there's such thing as the parable of the butterfly, but i will make one for myself. it will always be a struggle for me to live life to the fullest. as young as 22, i have experienced loads of tragedies, been dumped, felt unwanted, felt insecure, lost a father, criticized by people who don't know me, looked down by those who're far more well off, crucified for being straight forward and out casted for every decisions i failed to make and yet, after all these i have survived.
i have always been a dreamer and one of those numerous dreams is to work for the military, serve the country and all those critical stuff i want to try on. i have also dreamed of becoming one of those who sets there masculinity aside and fly a big bird like they're floating kites. yeah, dreams. what happened to the dream of becoming a Lawyer? oh well, it'll always be just the same, after all the hard work and stuffs' to do on first hand, i will send my self to the coolest Law School in the Philippines, but all of these will be set aside first.
clueless and all, i am down with the few remaining days of being able to write on my 360 page, for the next month will be another battle for truth and knowledge. i will be sending myself to another review center for another exam and my long over due plans will be frozen in time.
so whats the connection between all this and the parable of the butterfly?
like a beautiful free butterfly traveling from one harmless flower to another, i myself started as a simple caterpillar eating leaves and living life as far normal as possible. just like every caterpillar, i have come to a point where there's a need for me to transform into a more beautiful life and therefor, i hid myself under a covering safety sheet which will protect me for the next months as i become a cocoon. after heavy storm and strong wind, the day came where i was left with no choice but to come out in the open for i have come to my full maturity and there, i started to spread my wings and flew to the highest point. i soared high and reached the fulfillment of every caterpillars' dream.
bottom line is that: all things comes in handy if we work hard and aim for it. time will lead us to our own path and designated destiny if we are patient enough to wait and work for it. my journey as a free butterfly has just begun and the travel is not as sweet as everyone thought it would be. there will always be humps and bumps and the need for better security will always be in crises.
i am not a full pledge mature being, knowing that i am immature in so many ways andi know that matter-of-fact. but from time to time, i will be there to face every challenge for mistakes will always be there, just a trigger away.
"ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEM THAT BELIEVED" as stated by our prayer at the review center. true enough.

To Ate Not And Nanay

so ive been pulling myself down from the heavens for the past days and i am still putting myself together now. ive been jumping up and down when the results came out and i was static at that moment. yes. that was my moment and when i think about it? i brings shivers down my spine.
how did i learn about the result? well, i was in an internet cafe waiting for my friend Belyn to come over because i have finalize the things that i needed to furnish earlier that day, well, she on the other hand was too busy doing things her way and she has to travel about half an hour the most to get to my location. so there i was on the cafe, waiting and talking to my former classmate, Ronstone who passed the licensure exam last June of 2007. he took the board earlier than us. so i was talking to him and discussing relevant matters. he was talking about the up coming result of the December exam and my very nerves was shaking. i told him that we don't have internet lines at home and there's a need for me to go to a cafe, and even told him to text me if the results were already out.
moments later, Belyn came and we talked about the up coming results which was earlier broadcast on a local radio station and i was frantic about it, i was so into searching for the results but it was said that it will be posted any time of the day. it was like emotions mixed all together in one condition. but calmly i said to myself that what ever the result is, i know, things will be far more different. i prayed silently, oh God, please let me be an RN.
so i asked Belyn to go and find her way to her sister to bring allowance and i will find myself out and go home. as i walked in, i saw my nanay and my ate mimie and they were constantly asking if the results are out and i told them, any time of the day. so i changed my clothes and send an SMS to my friends announcing that the result will be out anytime today and the top 10 was out earlier, sighed deep and prayed : God, please help me.
a minute or two later, my phone beeps and a reply was from my friend, Paul John. he stated : "OUT NA, PASA KA" and i was like... waaaaaaaaaa... my reactions was pretty normal and i was shouting for joy but i also have doubts. i dont wanna be fooled around, well, at least not in this situation, i even asked him if its true and what site did he logged on, he said it is indeed true and he gave me the site, i shouted again like a crazy woman and nanay came running and knocking on the door of my room and was asking what happened, and i was like, i passed the exam, but ill look at the results first, i want to see it for myself. i dressed up and ran towards the nearest internet cafe. then, i was like, shaking and nerve braking, trying to find the website.
then, my ate jing2 called, as i answered the phone, she was crying and said, "jet pasado tang duha. RN na ta... waaaa... RN na jud ta... waaaaaaaaa" and i could hear her from the other line crying and i was jumping for joy and crying and jumping up and down and i could not understand what and how to feel. it was like a dream come true, i cried and cried and searched my name on the list of board passers, right there in front of many students and other people, i was saw my name - 8680 : DE VERA, MIRTHEDLE BIAG --- wow! i passed. i passed! i shouted and cried. not even minding other people as they look and stared at me like i was some psych patient.
from then on, my dear elementary friend called, Krystyne called said "mirth, congratulation, we did it" and i said: "wow! kelan ang kain jan sa inyo?" and i laughed... i payed my bill and went home, i was still talking to Krystyne and went i was finally home, i shouted, "nay, pasado ko and si ate jing2 din" and i was crying and hugging my nanay and i was jumping up and down.
I saw her in front of the computer talking to someone over the phone and she said, "si ate not2 nimo, tumawag, pasado nga daw kayo" and she was crying too. i got the phone and talked to my ate not2 and all i said was -- "te, pasado ko sa exam, nag pay off na imo kalisod og trabaho diha, dili na ta maglisod..." and i was continuously crying, i heard her laughing, and she said, "yeah, im so proud of you jet, congratulations" and i said, "thanks te, talk to you later"
i went inside my room and even cried more harder. then i prayed:
"God, madami pong salamat sa pagbibigay mo ng lisensyang to, thank you so much dahil dalawa kami ng ate ko, saka si Belyn po. saka yung mga friends ko po. salamat po ng marami. salamat dahil hindi mo po ako iniwan. salamat po"
those were my exact words. the way i expressed it. i never prayed so hard in my life. but i really thanks God for His goodness above all.

as i wrote this down and expressed my thoughts and experience, i could not help but cry and cry a lil harder. He gave me everything that i needed. He was always there and He never left my side. it will always be Him that i will forever say thanks to. to God who showered me with countless blessings, to God who stayed with me and listen to all my queries, only Him and nothing but Him.
above all, i would also like to thank my ate not2, for pushing me hard and for pulling my self down when i was flying with mixed emotions and confusions. for working so darn hard just to send me to school, pay the house bills, give adequate allowance, she will always be the wonder woman of the family. i do not know how to express my gratitude and thank you to my sister.
and though i know i wasn't the best sister that you have, i am, after all, the worst, as i describe myself, but you loved and accepted me beyond my imperfection. you never judged me and continued pushing me to strive more and excel more.
it was you who pushed me to take up nursing in the first place and i know my first and second year as a nursing student was really a mess, but i pulled my self and even finished the course though it wasn't my first choice.
when i graduated and we were talking, you encouraged me to take and pass the local exam, and after that, i was all alone with myself. you told me that i need to find my way, because your role as a sister ended when i finished the college degree. and there i was confused and all, and i missed all the arguments that we have just to finish one hard decision.
thank you te.. for being such a wonder woman to us all. i love you and i always do. you always supported every decision that i make now, and i could only promise you one thing. i wont let you and nanay down.
"i have to do better because good is not enough" and that means, i have to pull myself together after one great fall, thats what i learned most.
te not --- salamat sa lahat lahat.