This Too Shall Pass

when i accepted the fact that i am in love with Mr. Right, i gave it my best shot. i informed him of my feelings towards him and i told him a dozen times how much he means to me and how important he is. distance sets me and Mr. Right apart but that didn't deter us from experiencing love more than we expected. by loving him, i never expected anything in return. i kept on saying: I LOVE YOU BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN U HAVE TO LOVE ME BACK.
i am as poor as a rat and i could not buy love out of him. even if i am rich, i know no one can buy out love from somebody. all i can offer is honesty and real love that goes beyond the boarder of internet and distance. i am just a typical girlfriend, mellow-dramatic, the jealous type. one day, i found things to be irrational. i never wanted to burst my anger and freak out on him, i don't want to tell him that i am dead jealous over a certain picture, he and our friend joked about. so i kept quiet. little did i know, he was then entertaining someone else. Mr. Right is sick, he always is from the day i met him 2 years back. but beyond all this facts, my love for him never ceases. i have strong faith in him and his capacity to over come what ever he is feeling. my love for him grew strong and much stronger from day after day that we continuously communicate through phone calls, texts, emails and chats.
the time wanted to be alone because i want to be silent and recount my thoughts, fate played a tricky game on Mr. Right and i. he wasn't feeling well then and he thought i left him the moment he needed me the most and instead drove him to someone else. but the truth is I NEVER DID LEFT HIM. all i wanted that time was to catch my breath and gather my crumpled senses. the time i came back to my being, he is in the hands of another woman. i wanted to crash myself up and beat my body to work til i couldn't open my eyes the morning after. i drowned myself with alcohol and flushed myself on the toilet a couple of times. i danced, i sang, i shouted, just to allow myself to express how mad i am and how devastated i am. i felt bad after doing it though. drowning myself in alcohol is never the solution, it is nonetheless an act of immaturity and childishness. yes. immaturity. i am immature. the way Mr. Right described my whole being. the day i woke up from my heavy long nightmare, the reality set in. i am no longer Mr. Right girlfriend. he is now Ms. Perfect's man. he wrongly believed that i left him and allowed him to be with that girl but i didn't, though i found it odd how this woman talked a lot about him when she haven't even met noel in the first place. she befriended me, and i befriended her. and with this friendship, she knew the real score between me and Mr. Right though we tried to hide it from the people around us, to lessen unwanted and fabricated stories from the people around us. however, from my point of view, i find the idea of them together as cute since they are of the same age bracket, same maturity, same length of achievements, same... just the same.
sadly now though, after fate played its trick on me and Mr. Right, everything ended as if nothing special happened for the past nine months. everything banished.
I NEVER PUSHED MS. PERFECT TO MR. RIGHT NOR HAVE I PUSHED MR. RIGHT TO MS. PERFECT. she was just there at the right time.
As i continuously typed this (as a form of reply to the status of my dear friend Irene) i asked myself:

1. if Mr. Right really loved me truthfully, why did he allow himself to fall for someone who just barged in into our relationship a few days after our misunderstanding? is he really that shallow as a person? or was his feelings for me too-good-to-be-true that it is nothing but PURE LIE? did he tell me he love me out of pity and a week later realized he didnt' love me after all?
2. the woman i am talking about, Ms. Perfect, she was a dear friend. i considered her as a friend, but then i asked myself: i know she already knew the real score between me and my noel even before they met, still, why did she allow herself to fall for someone who is already emotionally committed?
3. lets take out from the equation the norms of commitment, still, why did she allow herself to fall for noel when she already knew i am with him and he is with me? does friendship never mater nowadays?
4. if brain is much more powerful than mind, why did this things happened? isnt it factual to say that anatomically, brain is located on the upper part of the human body so that, at some very distinct point, the brain can actually manuever even a single percent of emotion a person can have? then why did her/his brain didnt tell her/him to just stop and think for a while... that if she and he will persue this emotion someone else might actually get hurt along the way?
5. lastly i asked myself: why am i actually recounting thoughts and asking things like this? why am i asking this? WHY DID SUDDENLY MR. RIGHT ENDED UP BEING MR. LEFT? tell me who am i to blame them for falling in love with each other? and who are they to hurt me this much?
to wrap this up, on the process of DABDA where denial.. anger.. bargaining.. depression and acceptance sets in... WHERE AM I NOW? IN WHAT STAGE I AM NOW?
A friend named Heide asked me... are you ok? i vocally answered. I AM NOT. if i would answer I AM OK, then i end up asking again, who am i trying to fool that i am ok? was it me? or was it the people around me?
I am HURT. deeply HURT at that. I AM COPING... I KNOW I CAN. even a song from a group 98 degrees stated: there will always be sunshine after the rain. when all things sets in, the reality strikes. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

"hindi ibig sabihin na nalanta na ang isang talulut ng rosas ang buong hardin ay mawawalan na ng saysay. oo maganda tingnan ang rosas na namumukadkad, pero darating din ang panahon na itoy nalalanta. NGUNIT darating din ang panahon na ang rosas ay muling magkakaroon ng isang panibagong bulaklak at tulad ng nakagawian na, itoy mamumukadkad at hahalimuyak ulit." --- jet

"in every sunset... sunrise will always set in, its a never ending cycle of nature" - jet2

2:12PM (+8GMT)

to God as i weep

staring at your pictures, i silently did
crying from with in, maybe that's what i need
my eyes begun to swell as i write my thoughts
my head begun to swirl, i know what i lost.

if only words are enough to express how important you to me
maybe then you're able to appreciate me greatly.
now i feel worthless in everything that i do
what is there left to fight for, if you're not with me?

i could still remember how you always make me smile
how you make me feel your love with so much joy and pride
i write my thoughts, this is the best thing that i can do
feeling this unsure emotion, just like in a Waterloo.

the only strength i have now is to look up to the heavens
pray fervently that this too shall end
God help me... please make me strong
hear me dear God, where did i go wrong?
i want to end this agony, i dont want it long
God i pray to you, please make me strong.

as i envisioned that this too shall pass
i hope the pain goes away and it will soon last
dear God i cling to you now that i weep, i am in pain
take away my dark shadow, let there be sunshine after this rain.


**** i leave you with the song: MIDNIGHT BLUE by Electric Light Orchestra
9:07pm (+8GMT

weary

as the night turned to day
as the colors of heavens turned from purple then gray
she looked above the angry heavens as tears fell from her eyes
everything ended for the most senseless reason and full of lies

she recounted the thoughts that meant nothing for her
a skeptical feeling that leads her to nowhere.
an emotion that challenged her every heart beat
and in her silence, she cried as she continuously weap.

the only hope she has now is the promise you once told her
that both of you will be seeing each other for real
the gentle of your touch
the warmth of your embrace
everything that seemed surreal

she prayed for you to feel better
if she could only take away all your pain, she already did
and miracles happen if everyone only believes
she has faith in you, she knows you can live.

now as she curled over her bed, she thought of you deep
prayers are her only weapon, as she now goes to sleep
she prayed, hoping against hope that heavens listens to her
that one day youll be able to see her. touch her. feel her.

***its been ages since the last time i wrote something. this is for you.
a token of great appreciation for the friendship and above all else, the love.***
4:40pm (+8 GMT)

Recounting Thoughts --- Yet Again

i was at the bathroom when i thought i wasnt writing for the last couple of months and i was like asking myself whats wrong with me. from out of nowhere, the urge to splurge my thoughts are undeniably on a rush. i am not confused right now, at least thats for a change right? i am in good condition except for little cough that comes around often. yeah, low immune system sucks. anyway, ive been recounting my thoughts on what to say and whats not to. lemme start from the very obvious reason -- the need to self express.
ive been encouraging quite a number of people to express more through writings and the usual question would follow: where will i start? hmm... lemme see.
however, i myself have been writing for years now. yes, i dont publicly publish my write ups, given the facts that i dont even find my own writing worth reading (was that my low self esteem talking? lol). i write just to self express, no matter how fancy and boring my topic is. i dont even mind those typographical errors or wrongly expressed words or anything that could devalue my capacity to write.
furthermore, it is always better to hit the nail straight on the head and never do run around the bush. its not really necessary for a person to express his / her thoughts in a fancy words. yes, i admit, i get fascinated with people who expresses themselves real well, most especially when i read nicely printed blogs on public blog sites. i even admire quite a number of people for being so creative in terms of writing and those who uses words that made me stop and Google and for a while. Yes! thank God for Google and Wikepedia i was able to understand the words their actually saying.
lastly, what im doing now is just merely picking up my wasted thoughts. just recounting few of them and putting them in writing. nothing more. nothing fancy.

A Kids Battle

so ive been terribly insane this past week. feeling confused (the usual) and feeling so negative of almost everything that i do. so it aint good. i know that matter-of-factly. been doing lots of insane things that led me to having low self esteem and low morales. everything just crushed instantly and little did i noticed it. working in the new environment is something i am into right now. hospital work is terrifying and it has made a great non-substantive effect on me. as often being told by the many, things happen for a reason and i guess, it always does. one wrong move could prove something horrible. so as a nurse, i have to keep things uptight and straight so things will fall into place.
i have this one 10 month old patient who looks extremely fragile and having diagnosed for having a Kawasaki’s Disease (KD) which is defined as an (1)acute febrile illness of infants and children in which redness of the mucous membranes, skin and tongue are associated with swelling of the hands and feet and subsequent desquamation (peeling of the skin) of the hands and feet. Other signs include swollen lymph nodes of the neck (cervical lymphadenitis), redness and swelling of the eyes (conjuctival congestion), sores in the mouth (stomatitis) and swollen lips (chelitis). After a week or two the skin of the hands and feet begin to peel starting around the nails. Upwards of 20% of patients develop coronary artery complications, however most patients have uneventful recoveries without any long term problems.
having seen how the child fought for his life and how miserable the mother looked, thin and pale and still keeping that little emotion for her little one, the father looked terrible too, but he kept himself composed and looked strong though worries is visible in his face.
in nursing school, we were taught that what should be give out empathy and never sympathy, but after looking at the kids' condition, all red and lying on bed with high degree of fever, i never felt so weak. i stared a moment or two at the mothers face and all i saw was fear and great love for her kid. i gave out moral support to the parents saying never to loose hope and i continuously prayed silently for the kids health that he'll get better.

one more problem that the entire family is shouldering is the fact that the hospital bill is sky rocketing and they hardly had enough money to buy a less expensive medicine. all of us in the nurse station felt bad about the families condition and yet we were helpless. one regular nurse helped out by buying a medicine out from her own pocket just to keep the temperature of the child low.
i never felt such vigor running in my extremes. too strong emotions and such intensity. for a moment, i ran at the nearest comfort room to breathe as my tears shed. i prayed so hard for the child's condition and i never felt so helpless.
the next day, i was told that the family decided to transfer to a public hospital which has less hospital expenses and less medicine price. less professional fee, less accommodation and fee, and i just wish that it wont be less service from the doctors and nurses.
now i wonder, if HEALTH IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT, why is it that there are still people who are deprived from such right? who is then should be blamed?

(1) http://www.aocd.org/skin/dermatologic_diseases/kawasakis-disease.html

Beat It

"in life, we come across humps and bumps. we stumble. we fall. we bleed. every wound forms a scar and every scar has a great story. each story reminds us of how we fought life's challenges and trials and how we remained strong and genuine all throughout"

-- Mirthedle B. de Vera --


Late last night, 8th of June, i was with my friend Rochelle as we both took a long walk going to the busy streets of our little city. the moon is on its proudest form while the stars glitters brightly on the black heavens. i feel cold all night even when i already wore a jacket. im sick. yes, i was sick since last Thursday, feeling so weak with my cough that triggers my headache, a colds that seemed not to run out. yes, i drink more than one gram of medicine everyday (vitamin C and a multi-vitamins, both 500mg each) i also drink an expectorant syrup for my cough. yes, all these medicines are making me more sick. i always despised drinking medicine. i hate routinely done activities as much as i hate drinking medicines. but i was left with no choice but to drink those medicines.

i sent out an SMS to Rochelle informing her that im passing by her house to fetch her because i needed someone to talk to. so while we're walking and talking, we're discussing about her and her boyfriend (whom i forgot the name). "everything is fine" she said and directly asked how im doing as of the moment. "i am good though i am currently boyfriend-less" i replied while laughing. "having no boyfriend doesn't make me less a woman" i continued.

as we continued walking and eating grilled peanuts, we kept on discussing anything that came across our minds, Rochelle is a talker, she has this wide ideas and she will always be this bubbly, simple and straight forward person whom I've known since i was kindergarten. she will always be this person who knew the real jet-jet from with in. she can always read me like a transparent book. she knows when i out-0f-nowhere popped out in their door steps and cry like a baby on her shoulders.

since it was sunday, we easily noticed that there are lovers (teens and trying to be teens) having a little smooching, holding-hands-while-walking, staring-at-each-other-scenario views. and all Rochelle and i uttered was: "right.. just right". we also noticed few formed groups, one of them was this almost-like biblical group singing worship songs, one group also looks like an emo (you know those teen men and women wearing all blacks from head to toe --- the new generation X or something like that). some brought their guitars and sang their songs as if theres no tomorrow. there are also group of teenagers dancing (or maybe practicing a dance). kids are all over the place and it was really fun looking at their faces. the place was well lit and police station is just around the corner.

the small city of Tagum (which is about 55Km. North of Davao City) is really progressing and it's nice to know that the place where i was born and raised is economically developing. the building of the new SM and Gaisano Mall is highly anticipated by the Tagumeños.

Anyway, i was sick and yet i felt like i wasn't sick at all. i had fun chatting to Rochelle though i felt sad from with in, but Rochelle somehow eased everything and made me smile. atleast for a moment or two, she made me forget my problems. and i thanked her for that.

Divided Road

I've been staring on this page for more than half an hour and i just couldn't understand what to put in here. There are times in my life that all i wanna do is pour everything out and write as fast as i can and just leave everything behind. Often times it works, but there will always be an exemption to every rule. Things happen for a reason as what other people say, Thy will be done of course.
Before i went to sleep early this morning, something unlikely happened. Everything slipped like grains of sand flowing from my hands into the ground. I wasn't caught off guard but heaven knows i don't want to end it just like that. Yes! i could say this in total honesty, I have been entertaining the "thoughts" for more than a day, but i wasn't prepared that the exact day will be last night.
I felt like I'm draining inside out so I forced myself to sleep because i do not want to shred a single tear. I know i can bear it with inhale-exhale continuous cycle, besides, tears will not boost my morales either. I curled myself to bed and covered my face with a pillow. No more tears please, i said to myself. I'll deal with this tomorrow when my mind is fresh and i am able to think straight and normal. Just not now.
And so tomorrow is now, and here i am. What now?
Truth here is: I've been confused for the past days for a different reason. I maybe young at 22, but time is running fast and all i wanted was to settle for something i know i can do good. I felt like I'm worthless at some point, looking at those people who have been living their life productively. I already confided to my friends and my counselor about this matter and they stated the same thing. Maybe my time isn't "right-now" but everything will fall into their right places in due time. They kept on consoling me with the "been-there-done-that" scenario. This is whats bugging me for the past weeks. This is the reason why i felt like I'm totally drained and confused.
I have so much on my plate right now that i do not understand anything at all. My brain is not functioning and I felt like it shut down for no reason.
On the other part of the world, the only source of my happiness has more to think about at the moment. I understood it plainly. He stated the facts, laid down his cards, so who am i to interfere? I know that there will be no room for regrets here since at one point thats what i really wanted.
Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be --- as the song goes. Maybe everything is too much at the moment. The least i need now is someone telling me (or making me feel) how moron i am and how unproductive i am living my life at the moment (yes! he means well, but when a persons morales is as low as the deepest part of the world, a person could just think about anything. NO! its not about mis-understanding the whole phrase and not thoroughly reading between the lines but It felt like: adding more insult to the injured). And the least he needs now is someone as foolish as me. I don't want him wasting his saved energy and listen to my endless personal problems. (well, he doesn't want it either --- he has more to look ahead).
For now, i have plans. Make the most out of me. (and I'm pretty sure he also has his plans) The next time i face him, i will make sure that i have something to offer and not just the plain me. The next time i had him, i will never let him leave again. For now, we both have different roads to cross and different struggles to surpass. Till then