to God as i weep

staring at your pictures, i silently did
crying from with in, maybe that's what i need
my eyes begun to swell as i write my thoughts
my head begun to swirl, i know what i lost.

if only words are enough to express how important you to me
maybe then you're able to appreciate me greatly.
now i feel worthless in everything that i do
what is there left to fight for, if you're not with me?

i could still remember how you always make me smile
how you make me feel your love with so much joy and pride
i write my thoughts, this is the best thing that i can do
feeling this unsure emotion, just like in a Waterloo.

the only strength i have now is to look up to the heavens
pray fervently that this too shall end
God help me... please make me strong
hear me dear God, where did i go wrong?
i want to end this agony, i dont want it long
God i pray to you, please make me strong.

as i envisioned that this too shall pass
i hope the pain goes away and it will soon last
dear God i cling to you now that i weep, i am in pain
take away my dark shadow, let there be sunshine after this rain.


**** i leave you with the song: MIDNIGHT BLUE by Electric Light Orchestra
9:07pm (+8GMT

weary

as the night turned to day
as the colors of heavens turned from purple then gray
she looked above the angry heavens as tears fell from her eyes
everything ended for the most senseless reason and full of lies

she recounted the thoughts that meant nothing for her
a skeptical feeling that leads her to nowhere.
an emotion that challenged her every heart beat
and in her silence, she cried as she continuously weap.

the only hope she has now is the promise you once told her
that both of you will be seeing each other for real
the gentle of your touch
the warmth of your embrace
everything that seemed surreal

she prayed for you to feel better
if she could only take away all your pain, she already did
and miracles happen if everyone only believes
she has faith in you, she knows you can live.

now as she curled over her bed, she thought of you deep
prayers are her only weapon, as she now goes to sleep
she prayed, hoping against hope that heavens listens to her
that one day youll be able to see her. touch her. feel her.

***its been ages since the last time i wrote something. this is for you.
a token of great appreciation for the friendship and above all else, the love.***
4:40pm (+8 GMT)

If I Could

if i could have one thing in this life time,
i would want someone ---
someone who wont live me hanging.

it always ended like a long road to travel
an endless destination that leads to nowhere
a question of which to choose between the two
the fog of dark night and its hue

if i could have one thing in this life time,
i would choose a better me ---
a simple yet better me.

as the end of the road started to look dim
and the search for truth and its full cream
i still want someone to see me as i hit the roads end
the broken heart will then be mend

if i could have one thing in this life time,
i would choose to learn how to smile again
a smile deep from my soul

as it all ends with a grand illusion
an illusion that i have found that someone
it was an illusion ---
just an illusion.

Confused Again

a year ago
we used to talk
laugh
joke
then it ended there.
he was gone and no where to be found
i unknowingly nourished something extra special,
a certain friendship that meant a lot
more than a year passed and we've met again
he's such a snob person -- even before
but i liked him that way
i never dared say HI or HELLO
the thought of rejection makes me sick.
so one silent dawn
we started talking again
and laughed
and joked around
then im starting to like him even more
much more than what i felt before
it was a silent feeling that i never dared entertain
the night we talked
it seemed endless
it is so real
full of extra something --- that i couldn't even define
for 2 straight days --- we talked as if theres no tomorrow
and the emotions are at risk
i tried to control it
and tried to be as honest as i could possibly be
i was vocal about the idea of liking him
said, he likes me too
and im cool with that.
one night --- he was gone
and im left here alone
wondering what went wrong
its 3am on my watch and im still waiting
but there nothing
as i end this --- theres only one thing on my thoughts
to suppress the emotions while its still early
i dont want to be caught off guard
and end up feeling lost and broke
through suppression
i will be whole again, act as if it didnt hurt at all
now that he's nowhere to be found again
whats next?
and im so damn confused

Wounded Soul

"DONT BE FOOLED BY THE LAUGHS,
OR THE JOKES THAT I CRACK,
BEHIND THE LAUGHTERS, LIES A WOUNDED SOUL;
A WEAKEN HEART THAT NEEDS SOMEBODY TO SHARE THE THOUGHTS WITH" -- jet2

with only 1 hour of sleep and a letter with a problem boomerang in front of me, how can i not push and pull my thoughts?
i was trying to sleep with my mind half awake and yet i could not sleep peacefully.
the phone rang and it was my sister, talking about the matter.
i was about to sleep again and i thought i need to inform ate jing about what our ate told me.
and she was like, you do this and you do that, and do this first before you sleep.
i did what she told me and went there and i got nothing.
my mom holds the key to unfreeze what is frozen.
i cried as the water flows in my face as i took a bath.
when problems occur, they hit hard. hard enough to shaken my world.
not just mine, but the whole family.
i just hope and i just pray that as i write this and as my tears fell in silence, i prayed deeply to God that this will be soon over --- i will offer everything to Him as what i always did in times of crises.
Christmas wont be a merry lil thing --- thats for sure :(

For This Love Of Mine

i wrote this poem ages ago, it was printed by my sister and i kept it in my files.i have not published this in any formal prints, not even in our school paper. i dont know what came into me when i wrote this, so gay-ish i may say. so typical hopeless romantic. so - so - haaayyzzz...

FOR THIS LOVE OF MINE

Call me insane if you want it to,
For i can't help myself, falling in love with you
But still i cannot lie to my heart
Because for now, my heart has been torn apart

For everyday, you've passed by,
All i want to do is to say hi
But i cannot really try
For my heart has always been shy

Your face looks like and innocent dove
Your smile makes every girl fell in love
This heart of mine don't know what to do
I'll rather say, "I'm too good to be true"

But because of this love i have for you
I know for sure, my feelings are true
Because I never felt this way before,
And maybe not at all


[[==FEBRUARY 15, 2001==]]

Mah First Song

never in my life did i imagine writing a poem and put in mind that it will be a song. i was about to sleep when i started rhyming words and i stood up and and got a piece of clean paper and ball pen, and out of the blue, some knocked on the door and delivered a mail. the mail content is not that good and its a bad letter --- i may say.
so i sat again here in front of the computer and started writing a "tula" (poem) with my pen.
i was grade 4 when i have this English book that i so love to read, enclosed with that book is a poem and i was like, humming. i was singing and the lines i used was the one in the poem.
and so i thought, maybe i could write something and maybe one day it would be a song. so here it goes, fresh from the mind of a no sleep woman.
when people learn that i know how to write --- or i have the ability to write a poem, they asked me to send them a piece of my something and they'll make it a song. i never agree to what they said, maybe because i dont think i am capable of doing it. but here it goes

SA ISIP KOY IKAW LAMANG

I

Sa Pag-gising ikaw ang nasa isip
Kislap ng 'yong mata, syang nais masilayan
Ang ngiti mo'y sa puso ko nakaukit
Nais ko'y makapiling ka sinta

II

Oh binibini sana'y iyong mapansin
Lihim na pagtingin sayo'y nakalaan
Ang awiting ito'y alay sayo
Nabighani mo ang natutulog kong puso


III

Sigaw ng puso ko'y pangalan mo
Habang natatanaw ka lamang sa malayo
Pag ibig na nga ba ito? sabihin mo
Oh binibini sana'y malaman mo


CODA

Sa isip ko'y ikaw lamang
Pag-ibig kong totoo, sayo lang nakalaan
Sa isip ko'y ikaw lamang
Binibini, ikaw lamang

Down With No Clue

in the midst of doubt, i am in between
i love him first and he made me feel like a queen
and one sad day i woke up and he was gone
shattered and broke i was left all alone

if you'd ask me if i still love him
i would say that i still am
because i never stopped loving someone who's always real
though things had been bad and so not clear

i made a long sigh as i write this up
you came along right on the very stop
you stood by me though my mood swings like hell
with teary eye you look like an angel elf

he was there with his new life surrounded by new people
shattered and all, i left him too
i wanted so bad to be happy so i stick with you
not knowing that someday its you that ill be hurting too

i wanted to let go of the past and i wanted to move on with life
but i don't know where to start and what is right
behind the smile lies a weary heart i often tell
thats what you cant see, i can tell

i knew i loved him and i never stopped loving him
as i write this i knew i could be hurting someone else
i wanted to love you but you know theres so much missing between us
lost in words i don't know who to trust

if i can only savor this moment as i am talking to him
weary heart without a twist of a trim
its him that i love
but its you that i have.

how can i possibly make both ends meet?
thats a mere simple question that i could not greet
i love him. but i have you.
what will i do?

ill end this with one simple thought
ill clear things up with one simple clause
i wanted peace of mind so i'll let go for the two of you
lost, alone and confused --- im down with no clue.

To You With Much Love

with a peaceful mind i write this thoughts
with a growing emotions i put on my clothes
with so much love i dedicate this to you
loving you so, i feel like I'm in the waterloo
the joy and the pains has brought you tears
countless mistakes i would not do in years
i prayed to God that one day you'll be mine
now and tomorrow and for the rest of time
i always wanted to tell you how important you are to me
you made me feel special and free
you understood each and every weakness that i have
this brought me mixed emotions and so much love
and though we often times argue with the most silly talk
you calm me with your jokes, not even minding the clock
i know in due time you and i will be together
now on and as what you promised --- forever.

In Peace

sometimes its foolish to read something

that you know for a fact that will hurt u and yet u kept on reading it.

foolish isn't it?

its also foolish to note that you kept on loving somone

who loves someone else already.

but what is more foolish is to pretend that

you still love that very special person

though you know to your self that youre just lying

and u became so numb by the pain you experienced before

that now as u consoled your self,

u cant just feel anything.

if writing is what i do best,

maybe u add up there the fact that

i greatly hide my inner self

and i take things slower than i used to.

as of now, i will leave u in one piece and in peace

Barrel Heart

drained by the fact that I'm here all alone

feeling blue in this moment called cone

the distress and mix emotions are those that awaits me

fervently trying to find that simple little glee


as i restate this, not once as i tried

no matter how hopeless in vain as i cry

the truth hunts me like it never occurred before

the aches are still there, so painful like no cure.


and i start this crazy lil game

sharing faulty thoughts you must be tamed

starting this with just one quick roll

feeling in control with one stick from the pole


entering this with multiple thoughts i wanted to share

while listening to the silence of just one simple care

i wanted to shout just for me to learn more

deep, painful shuttering shout, almost just like a roar.


as i fall asleep tonight, its you who's in my thoughts

filling that empty barrel heart of someone who just lost

I'll bid you goodnight for now as i leave

tomorrows' a big day for me to live.

So Sad It Has To Happen

***prologue: someone wrote this poem for me :) thank you for this lovely poem, i appreciate your effort :) god bless :) --jet2

-SO SAD IT HAS TO HAPPEN--

Met you one sunday morning
Told you i love you so
We knew right at that moment
Our hearts did find
The true meaning of love

And then restless
We became restless
Quarrels kept us apart
Truth came coupled with sorrow
We had to part
And just think of you
Every day and night

Love must give way
It has to be
And this is the way
Our love must be

You're young
Find a new love one
By now maybe this time
Heartache is gone

He will come
He will be the true one
And when he does
He will be yours
Till the end of time

Alone myself
I'd rather be
Than be with you
Without your love for me

July 25, 2007

Confused

im really confused right now with a lot of things....
about life,
about happiness,
about eternal peace,
about love,
about marriage....
a "friend" told me, that i am the type of person who become "judgemental" in some way...
i agree with her, i often become one...
but as i ponder on this thoughts, i asked my self...
am i really judgmental? or people often misunderstood me?
the way i speak my mind,
the way i voice out my thoughts,
the way i express my self...
i accept the fact that sometimes, and even often times, i mis-control my emotions, i often freak out,
i often become so righteous about some stuff, often times become so idealistic and forgot being realistic....
i speak what's on my mind, the way i thought of it...
often not minding if it'll hurt anyone...
am i becoming heartless?
emotionless perhaps?
or is being honesty a crime now?
or is being "yourself" a sin now?
i really am confused...
and i don't like this kind of emotions...

it is making me weak...
this is tearing me apart...

tearing my soul apart...

im confused....
i really am...

--Dec. 29, 2006--

illusion

Ours is not an ordinary love story.

We’ve met in a place where it is rare to find love.

You were troubled, sulking and you don’t know what to do.

Bothered and all, I was there to comfort you.

Our conversation started with just a simple “hi”.

Not even minding the time, as it passes by.

You were so sweet and I was turned-on.

You were there, just to lead on.

Night had passed,

And the world evolves.

As I longed for you more and more,

Here in my heart and from its deepest core.

We were happy and I thought it was endless.

We even have our dreams build together as one.

But I guess not all good things are meant to last.

Because you were there, living for your past.

And one day, you broke the sad news.

You wanted to call it quits without even giving me cues.

You wanted to have space, as your story begins.

Left so shattered, I cried in vain.

Seven months had past and I thought it was over,

But here I am again, confronting my worst fear.

I have loved you the way I never loved a guy before,

It hurts the most and it seems endless,

Struck by the truth it was fearless.

As I read this, it seems like a riddle,

Reminding me of the past down to its middle;

As I analyzed this and made my conclusions,

Loving you more, though it hurts me so, is my biggest illusion.