Writing is What I Do Best

so here i am, while listening to the song ALWAYS by JON BON JOVI and trying to figure things out. Yes its hard. this past days, i cant seem to find enough reason to stay put and pull my self on the real world.
i sleep at 6am and wake up by 3 in the after noon. thats not doing me any good i know.
yes its hard when im trying to understand my self better and i cant find enough words to describe the emotion that is inside me.
yes its hard when all i think about is the wrong doings that i did in life and i cant seem to find enough courage to let my inner self out flow the unknown emotion i have inside.
yes! its hard when i kept on thinking about a lot of nonsense things and end up realizing that i am not making any sense after all.
then i start to laugh. just laugh hard.
so im not on my manic stage now not even in my depress stage. i am just what i am.
i was in the bathroom late this night, having my regular night bath, when i realize common things: the need to express the feelings that i silently keep inside my heart.
the need to evaluate my inner self after writing.
the need to pour the emotions so that i wont have any baggage as i travel my life alone.
so here i am...
this is what i do best when im confuse.
this is what i do best when i feel unsure about my self.
this is what i do best when things get out its normal way.
this is what i do best.
WRITING.

Happiness Is A Choice

i always believed that for someone to be able to keep up with a happy life after a broken heart she / he must not listen to a love song, or at least prevent himself / herself from hearing love songs playing over the damn radio.
so here i am again.
pouring myself and emotions and writing something about what my heart desires.
listening to a what???
Lonely Is The Night by Air Supply and This I Promise You by N'Sync...
so why am i trying to kill my self?
i just got my heart broken again, for the Nth time. yeah
you heard me right... for the Nth time. countless time.
where did it all start?
its a long story.
i just realize how important one person can be when he was already gone and now living his life peacefully without me.
he was really nice actually.
have you heard me saying that one already? haha
when i got my heart broken, i always see to it that i say nice things about them,
not out of pity or something.
but they have been nice and they really are. so i quote and quote...
"he is nice"
i got my heart broken, but i will eventually move on.
he is one of the nicest and sincerest person i have met.
to you... (im referring to the person involved)
i know, one day you will be able to read this blog...
i know its my damn mistake why we have to part ways.
i guess thats life.
happiness is a choice, and though im not happy with the choice i have made,
i have no choice but to live up with that decision.
i have decided to let go...
and it hurts... it hurts like hell...
but life has to move on.
i guess? my greatest advice for my self is that...
keep away from the pc...
never listen to sad / love songs...
keep your self pre-occupied and busy...
and stop thinking about the worng things you've done and refrain from thinking about the joyful moments you have done together but savor the memories.
moving on...
the problem with me is that,
im protecting myself too much...
and even though im hurt, i kept on letting others feel and see that im not hurt and im just perfectly fine.
pretending to be strong even though im on my weakest.
i have to be strong because if got no one to turn to...
i just cant sit on my nanay's lap and cry over the most senseless things.
someone told me: there's no use crying over a spilled milk.
but you see... not all things are considered a spilled milk.
something feels so good and feels so right and special, that you just cant help yourself but cry.
he is not just a spilled milk.
he is something more precious than a milk...
hahaha... do i make any sense? damn!
you might ask...
when was the last time i cried?
hmm... that i can hardly remember...
you see....
i tend to forget about that not so nice things that happened in my life.
why? so that it wont haunt me when im asleep or something like that.
its a psychological matter or something... a defense mechanism...
haha... see?
haayyy...
ill end this story telling now...
i will leave you with a song by NSYNC... this i promise you...

Mah Papa

i really don'y know what to write in here. I"m quite confused now. well, as always.
hahay... so tired. physically and emotionally.
don't even know what to do. i wanted to shout. to cry. to get drunk.
I"m oh so confused.
here i am again, listening to an old music on my player.
oh yeah! music...
i started loving old music ever since the world begun... hahaha...
my father loves music so much that we often sing together.
i grew up listening to the likes of neil sekada (sedaka or sadako? hahaha) ABBA, carpenters, bread, eagles... etc...
every Sunday, after mass, my father cooks breakfast for us and while we're all eating our happy meal, the back ground music was that old songs...
thinking 2 years back,
i can still remember, tatay was lying on the hospital bed.
he's feeling so bored and i was there with him.
i hold his hands and combed his hair.
i told him : "tay, kanta ako... ano gusto mong kanta?"
then he started humming... don't know what it is. cant recognize the hum.
it was an old song i guess.. hahaha...
then i started singing songs while holding his hand.
i wanted to cry while doing that, but i savored the moments.
i don't want him to see me crying...
and every time i failed a certain note or a line, he corrects me.
oh yeah, that was what? almost 2 years and the memories are still vividly clear on my mind.
my sister told me i haven't grow tired of remembering the past.
i have not moved on.
and if i kept on doing this,
there'll be no progress at all.
that's why i'll stop now :(
music and beyond.
that's what binds me and tatay together.
and though, we haven't had much memories together, (since he left me long before i noticed he did)
and much of the time we spent on his last days was full of sad truths, bruising pain, and endless disappointments, all i wanted to remember about tatay now is the happy moments we spent together.
and while writing this stuff, i cant help but cry... oh yeah!
cry and cry and cry...

pS: this is the last song i sang for tatay:

LEADER OF THE BAND : DAN FOGELBERG