The Story Continues

I am having hard time writing this article. First, because I don’t know where to start or where to end, and all I have in mind is, that, this’ll be a continuation of what I have written in my previous article. In this article, you’ll find more reasons and this’ll reveal the answers to my endless questions.

In here, I have evaluated and analyzed things. I have constantly calculated every step to find answers, and here I am now. I am not going to promise you a lovely nor sweet story, this time it’s going to be different, it’s more serious, more revealing and stories will unleash.

THE LAST EVENTS

So that was the 9th day of November when Oliver (my boyfriend) broke – up with me. I’ve cried for weeks, begged him to come back and have me again. I’ve done all in my power to regain strength and boost up my self confidence. But with his assurance that his decisions was all set and it was final, I gave in. he said so himself: “I don’t love you anymore and I’m not happy with our relationship, so we better call it quits”.

As a nursing student, his actions can be calculated well if you’ve studied psychopathophysiology. Breaking up with me is Oliver’s way of serving in silver platter his so-called defense mechanism. I couldn’t say more about these things because that was quite a traumatic event for me.

As I’ve evaluated things, here are some points of my conclusion: the more I pushed my self to Oliver, the more he is resistant to have me again, the more that he’s pushing me away.

So the best thing I did is let go. There’s no point in holding to somebody who doesn’t want to have me again.

ONCE… TWICE… THRICE…

It’s not only once nor twice that people around me ask questions like: why break – up with him? Is it because now that he’s not normal as to what he was before? Have you fallen out of love? Have you grown tired of him? Why love a guy who’s a decade and a year older than you? Now that everything’s been settled, what will happen next? Yeah! Many questions, very few answers and still, I don’t know what to say.

After the incident, I’ve directly told my sister about the sad news. She guessed that what he did is good, but the end doesn’t justify the means. And that was neither his last option nor his last choice.

My friend Belyn, who’s constantly with me, during those horrible days acted brave and gave me the best moral support, ever. Belyn and I often visit Oliver in his place. Once, twice or thrice a week, making him feel that even if he dumps me, I am always around and I’m not going anywhere. And there’s this one visit that we have, that while we’re still riding a motor cycle going to Oliver’s pad, Belyn just can’t help but notice how anxious I am. She asked me directly if I’m okay. I faked a smile and said that I’m doing perfectly well. She frowns and said: yeah Right!

So why am I anxious? Well, its not only once that when I visited him, he’s giving me cold treatments. I did notice such behavior, but I didn’t give a damn about it. I justified it because I know he’s really not feeling right. He is irritable (yeah! Pharmacology taught us that there will be mood swings when taking medications, adverse effects of medicines and all those stuffs).

So what’s with the cold treatment? I really don’t know. Maybe because he doesn’t like company and the idea of me being there, makes him feel uncomfortable and the view of me irritates him. I really don’t know why. What I am saying now is only my own conclusions based upon my experiences. It’s nothing general.

NO ORDINARY TALK

Looking back before, I can still remember those times where Oliver and I used to talk about anything and everything under the sun. He gives his idea, I give mine. We communicate and understand each other.

Well, things change and not all good things are meant to last forever. For Oliver and me, things are not as good as what it was before. When I visit him, and we stated to chat for a while, I can feel the tension between us, this feeling of apprehension, weird and uneasiness is all over us. We both feel uncomfortable (as my instinct tells me so).

It’s as if something might turn out bad and that one wrong word expressed by either of us, we might instantly explode. It is not a good feeling. It’s sad; it’s horrible, it is too plain. When we talk, out of nowhere, we stopped in the middle of the conversation. It seems like there’s no perfect nor enough words to continue the conversation.

All there is the perfect sound of silence.

3x A YEAR

As far I can remember, Oliver’s first attack happened February of this year. Another hospitalization came by the middle of the same year. {Can you still remember? It was May of this year when Oliver and I met}. The third hospitalization came, mid-week of December.

I was then on-duty at Delivery Room when I heard the news. After a successful child birth, I was task to deliver the patient to her room, right the next block. There’s this certain nurse who smiled and approached me and asked: “yare you not going to visit him?”, “visit who?” I replied. “Oliver. Didn’t you know that he’s been here for about 4 days now?” I faked a smile and asked: “what room?”, “right next to that door, at the end of the alley”. I immediately bid goodbye after hearing those words. I was so shocked because I didn’t have any idea that he was again hospitalized. I didn’t know anything because according to his last text message that I have received, he is doing fine and is in the process of recovery. I felt so numb that after delivering the patient to her room I ran across the other room to look at Oliver.

As I opened the door, I saw him lying in the hospital bed, asleep. In his face you can vividly see mixed emotions. Sadness, fear, anxious, tired all mixed-up. Looking at him in this condition broke my heart. I just can’t help but pity him. But still, I don’t know and I can’t do anything to help him. I felt weak and useless.

I didn’t have the heart to wake him up because I know he’s having hard time finding the right position to sleep. As the pain rushes through and through, any single movement or noise might distract him. I really felt weak seeing him in that condition. Seeing him in pain and haggardly looking.

The emotions are so great that went out in the room crying and sulk in tears. I’ve singled out a prayer, asking God to help Oliver. Help him survive because I know he’s strong and he’ll fight. I know in my heart that Oliver’s a good man and God will give his mercy.

BLESSING IN DISGUISE

Prior to Christmas (23^rd of December) I pay visit to Oliver in the Hospital, since it took me about a week to be back (hospital duties and the preliminary examination kept me busy this previous week). So, it was one humid day and I feel good about myself.

My nanay (mother) and I went to the hospital, we saw him lying on bed and watching TV and I guess, he’s doing fine now, unlike before. The pain is not that visible at all. Nanay never really stayed longer because she needed to meet few of her friends. I stayed over with Oliver’s cousins and his aunt Mariza.

Aunt Mariza was cleaning up the room, arranging the side table and clearing up the room to keep it clean. I had this chance to hold Oliver’s cellular phone. Honest to God, it was not my intention to browse somebody else’s phone. Of course, it’s a private thing. Before I have the right to look at his phone, browse and read his files, but now, it’s a different thing.

So, as I read further, my heart was again shattered in pieces. Why? Well, It is because I’ve learned and found out who constantly texts him, what type of messages SHE keeps on sending him and all those stuffs. And I felt so darn stupid because I did bother to read his sent messages item and found out that he replies on her text messages.

The sad realization is that, I didn’t even receive a single text message coming from Oliver for about a month now. Well, that’s his prerogative right? He’s the one who’ll decide who he will and will not text. Right! Just right!

SIMPLE ANALYSIS

As I wrote this article, I have come to my senses. I have already moved on with a life without Oliver. Why? Because even if I am not entertaining suitors and have already turned-down few of them, I have realized that I have already given up Oliver way long before I have accepted the fact that I did.

As I figured out things, Oliver did the best decision of letting me go. Setting me free and hurting me to he fullest extent of my emotions. He never rally did intentionally did that to hurt me; it’s just his way of protecting himself as well as me. He pursued in making me feel unwanted so that he won’t see me hurting too much. He doesn’t want to see me so disturbed and all stressed-out because I can see him in pain.

He did the right decision and I am happy with the results.

To end this article, I want you all to know that: I have loved Oliver the best way I know I can and the way I have never loved somebody else’s before. He has nourished my love for him for only a short period of time. And everything must come to an end.

I know in my heart, that a space is well provided only for Oliver. No one can replace him, I know. He has a good and kind heart. SOON, I know we’ll be friends again, a friendship that will last a lifetime.