writing could be the best thing i can do to express my emotions.
i have been doing this for the past years of my life.
it makes me feel relaxed and safe.
some people criticize and say how awful i wrote this one and that one, some people doesn't like reading my blog since the contents are too long and they find it too boring to read, some are just to mellow-dramatic and some are just, well... for fun.
oh well... thats' life.
i can complete a whole topic by one sitting.
as long as nobody else disturb me.
as long as people understands my status in YM
as it states : STRICTLY NO PM.
is that too much to ask?
or they just cant understand simple English?
what do you want me to do?
paste it in French? German? Latin? Czech? damn!
relax... breathe... inhale... exhale...
so, moving on.
my mind is full and i have been sitting in this damn swivel chair for the past 4 hours now.
and still, i don't have a concrete idea on what topic should i discuss first.
actually, a lot of things happened for the past 48 hours.
first: i broke up with my "present" boyfriend.
why?
well... why not?
i actually felt not good.
emotionally unsure about things.
now... my tears are falling (oh well... whats new?)
shattered and all.
i feel sorry for my guy number 2 (Mr. present yesterday, ex today... damn!!!)
why?
because I'm so stupid.
i entered a relationship that proves me nothing.
i was still in the shadow of a very nice yesterday when i entered into a relationship with him.
a very genuine relationship and it's not that easy to forget.
i felt bad because i dragged him into this mess.
it was all my fault.
i wanted to learn to love him, love him fully.
but love always takes time.
i just can't dictate my heart and say that,
ok. stop loving this man and learn to love this man.
it is not that easy.
yes. love can be developed and learned
but it cannot be dictated... it can never be forced.
i can't pretend that I'm not hurt.
because i am hurt.
imagine sleeping at night with my conscience killing me.
a friend told me that i am on a rebound.
ok. point taken.
i was.
that's the reason why i have to correct what is wrong
while its a bit early.
while the emotions are not that full.
and i did what is rightful.
i broke up with him (Mr. present yesterday / ex today)
second: i felt bad about someone, though i don't blame her.
she fell in love, and loving was never a mistake.
she just fell for the wrong guy at the wrong time.
i asked her, please, tell me how stupid i am.
for letting go of the only person who loved me truly.
she said, she's ok.
pretending that she is ok.
though i know she's not.
i want her to scream on her highest voice.
and just let go of her emotion.
i understood her somehow.
but i never like pretensions.
when i ask you directly, answer me directly.
never fool around. because God knows I'm not.
there's time to joke and there's time to get serious.
i have this certain attitude that:
i don't care if you will hear something not good from me.
the point there is that I am not lying.
i am not pretending.
and i wont back stab you with uncanny / unethical words.
i am always true.
no matter how painful it is.
i am not sorry if i am drastically honest or brutally honest
because after all, criticism comes in different forms.
it will all fall on how you accept the word that someone is saying.
it can be productive if you accept it positively,
or destructive if you accept it negatively.
anyway... as stated: i am also sorry that i have dragged you (in my unknown way)
into this mess.
but you have your mistake too.
you took risk and came up with the idea (that you thought was the solution) to enter into a relationship that has no concrete foundation. well... it has... friendship.
but the question is that: is it enough?
the guy is still emotionally involve and in-love with someone else,
but you took the risk.
now it failed.
and i really felt sorry.
third: i wanted to hate a certain guy...
he took advantage of that girls' weakness.
and i cannot blame that girl if she hates that guy.
i somewhat understood them both.
he was broken hearted.
she loved him.
they thought it would work out.
now he left her.
because he is back with the only girl who can turn his head up side down.
(or i guess... haha... assuming)
for my self:
why choose him?
it took some challenge / competition to finally realize how important one person can be.
cliche but true, they said,
you can only realize the importance of one person when he / she is already gone.
true.
i realize how much i loved my ex.
when he was in the arms of somebody else.
i was shattered into pieces when he said that he has a new girlfriend.
crying (again)
thats the best way i can do to relieved the growing tension that is in my very spine.
the burden in my life.
cry and cry and cry a little bit harder
then we talked.
normally.
heart to heart.
he opened up.
i also did.
i told him how much i loved him.
and how hurt i am to hear that he has found another girlfriend.
i told him that i was just doing that (entered a new relationship) for a rebound because i am in so deep pain because i can no longer have him because of my damn pride and ego.
everything was just a mistake.
then i was off line.
he called me over my cellphone and asked me to go on line again because we needed badly to talk.
i did.
we talked.
he said how much he loved me and promised to patch things up.
but the problem is that: how can he tell his new gf without hurting her (which is so damn stupid)
and how can i tell my "new" bf with out hurting him too?
nahh... thats' crazy.
but the bottom line there was that:
we both need to correct what is wrongly done.
as early as possible.
and...
8hours later, we did.
things didn't went well as what we expected it.
though we're both not expecting anything at all.
we're both shock.
but we have together and i guess, thats' the happy part of it all
we have hurt some people along our way.
though we never intentionally did it.
but wrong things should be corrected as early as possible
so whats' the lesson here?
never enter a relationship if your not sure with your emotions.
if your still emotionally hooked up with someone romantically.
decisions should be made rightfully.
never be too egoistic and full of pride.
if you love him / her... tell that person you love her.
they said love is lovelier the second time around.
"take risk" again.
fall in love with the right "man / woman" whom you think
deserved and is worthy of your love.
and lastly.
be certain.
deal with life maturely.
getting drunk never helps.
committing suicide is the biggest mistake,
after all, finding Mr. / Ms Right on the internet is never easy.
(think about Mr. / Ms Left...haha)
--May 9, 2007--
i have been doing this for the past years of my life.
it makes me feel relaxed and safe.
some people criticize and say how awful i wrote this one and that one, some people doesn't like reading my blog since the contents are too long and they find it too boring to read, some are just to mellow-dramatic and some are just, well... for fun.
oh well... thats' life.
i can complete a whole topic by one sitting.
as long as nobody else disturb me.
as long as people understands my status in YM
as it states : STRICTLY NO PM.
is that too much to ask?
or they just cant understand simple English?
what do you want me to do?
paste it in French? German? Latin? Czech? damn!
relax... breathe... inhale... exhale...
so, moving on.
my mind is full and i have been sitting in this damn swivel chair for the past 4 hours now.
and still, i don't have a concrete idea on what topic should i discuss first.
actually, a lot of things happened for the past 48 hours.
first: i broke up with my "present" boyfriend.
why?
well... why not?
i actually felt not good.
emotionally unsure about things.
now... my tears are falling (oh well... whats new?)
shattered and all.
i feel sorry for my guy number 2 (Mr. present yesterday, ex today... damn!!!)
why?
because I'm so stupid.
i entered a relationship that proves me nothing.
i was still in the shadow of a very nice yesterday when i entered into a relationship with him.
a very genuine relationship and it's not that easy to forget.
i felt bad because i dragged him into this mess.
it was all my fault.
i wanted to learn to love him, love him fully.
but love always takes time.
i just can't dictate my heart and say that,
ok. stop loving this man and learn to love this man.
it is not that easy.
yes. love can be developed and learned
but it cannot be dictated... it can never be forced.
i can't pretend that I'm not hurt.
because i am hurt.
imagine sleeping at night with my conscience killing me.
a friend told me that i am on a rebound.
ok. point taken.
i was.
that's the reason why i have to correct what is wrong
while its a bit early.
while the emotions are not that full.
and i did what is rightful.
i broke up with him (Mr. present yesterday / ex today)
second: i felt bad about someone, though i don't blame her.
she fell in love, and loving was never a mistake.
she just fell for the wrong guy at the wrong time.
i asked her, please, tell me how stupid i am.
for letting go of the only person who loved me truly.
she said, she's ok.
pretending that she is ok.
though i know she's not.
i want her to scream on her highest voice.
and just let go of her emotion.
i understood her somehow.
but i never like pretensions.
when i ask you directly, answer me directly.
never fool around. because God knows I'm not.
there's time to joke and there's time to get serious.
i have this certain attitude that:
i don't care if you will hear something not good from me.
the point there is that I am not lying.
i am not pretending.
and i wont back stab you with uncanny / unethical words.
i am always true.
no matter how painful it is.
i am not sorry if i am drastically honest or brutally honest
because after all, criticism comes in different forms.
it will all fall on how you accept the word that someone is saying.
it can be productive if you accept it positively,
or destructive if you accept it negatively.
anyway... as stated: i am also sorry that i have dragged you (in my unknown way)
into this mess.
but you have your mistake too.
you took risk and came up with the idea (that you thought was the solution) to enter into a relationship that has no concrete foundation. well... it has... friendship.
but the question is that: is it enough?
the guy is still emotionally involve and in-love with someone else,
but you took the risk.
now it failed.
and i really felt sorry.
third: i wanted to hate a certain guy...
he took advantage of that girls' weakness.
and i cannot blame that girl if she hates that guy.
i somewhat understood them both.
he was broken hearted.
she loved him.
they thought it would work out.
now he left her.
because he is back with the only girl who can turn his head up side down.
(or i guess... haha... assuming)
for my self:
why choose him?
it took some challenge / competition to finally realize how important one person can be.
cliche but true, they said,
you can only realize the importance of one person when he / she is already gone.
true.
i realize how much i loved my ex.
when he was in the arms of somebody else.
i was shattered into pieces when he said that he has a new girlfriend.
crying (again)
thats the best way i can do to relieved the growing tension that is in my very spine.
the burden in my life.
cry and cry and cry a little bit harder
then we talked.
normally.
heart to heart.
he opened up.
i also did.
i told him how much i loved him.
and how hurt i am to hear that he has found another girlfriend.
i told him that i was just doing that (entered a new relationship) for a rebound because i am in so deep pain because i can no longer have him because of my damn pride and ego.
everything was just a mistake.
then i was off line.
he called me over my cellphone and asked me to go on line again because we needed badly to talk.
i did.
we talked.
he said how much he loved me and promised to patch things up.
but the problem is that: how can he tell his new gf without hurting her (which is so damn stupid)
and how can i tell my "new" bf with out hurting him too?
nahh... thats' crazy.
but the bottom line there was that:
we both need to correct what is wrongly done.
as early as possible.
and...
8hours later, we did.
things didn't went well as what we expected it.
though we're both not expecting anything at all.
we're both shock.
but we have together and i guess, thats' the happy part of it all
we have hurt some people along our way.
though we never intentionally did it.
but wrong things should be corrected as early as possible
so whats' the lesson here?
never enter a relationship if your not sure with your emotions.
if your still emotionally hooked up with someone romantically.
decisions should be made rightfully.
never be too egoistic and full of pride.
if you love him / her... tell that person you love her.
they said love is lovelier the second time around.
"take risk" again.
fall in love with the right "man / woman" whom you think
deserved and is worthy of your love.
and lastly.
be certain.
deal with life maturely.
getting drunk never helps.
committing suicide is the biggest mistake,
after all, finding Mr. / Ms Right on the internet is never easy.
(think about Mr. / Ms Left...haha)
--May 9, 2007--
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