so here i am again on my suicidal state of mind.
NO. im not going to commit suicide whatsoever.
hush down...
im feeling so confused right now and all i wanna do was just to put the volume of my winamp to its highest level and just listen to the music of hinder entitled lips of an angel.
i don't want to emote. i don't want to cry. i don't want to feel anything.
i wanna be numb even for a moment.
a moment of silence with my self.
alone.
all access to the outside world was closed and i want to put all my energy to what i'm writing now.
the song kept on repeating and i'm savoring every word the singer utters.
and now i ask my self: where will i start again?
four days ago, i was talking to a very special friend.
telling him how much i missed the moments we shared together.
the arguments. the laughters. the jokes. the drawing.
all of it.
i so loved him and i wasn't afraid to tell him that.
he knew i love him.
and i kept on doing so.
i haven't moved on from a broken heart.
i wasn't really that completely healed.
i know im the one who made the final decision that we have to part ways.
i am just being protective with my emotions.
hard headed as i am,
i took the risk of loving him.
i always believed that in love, PAIN and getting hurt is the risk everybody else's taking.
but once i get hurt, i stop.
i don't want to get hurt even more.
if i've been fooled once, then thats it.
no more second time around.
i stumbled many times. cried almost like a river.
strive hard to be as true and as human as i can be.
then i let go.
the bottom line is that:
i let go of the man i love because i don't want to cry again.
because i don't want to get hurt again.
because if he really loved me, he will not make me cry.
he will not do anything that will hurt my emotions.
NO. im not going to commit suicide whatsoever.
hush down...
im feeling so confused right now and all i wanna do was just to put the volume of my winamp to its highest level and just listen to the music of hinder entitled lips of an angel.
i don't want to emote. i don't want to cry. i don't want to feel anything.
i wanna be numb even for a moment.
a moment of silence with my self.
alone.
all access to the outside world was closed and i want to put all my energy to what i'm writing now.
the song kept on repeating and i'm savoring every word the singer utters.
and now i ask my self: where will i start again?
four days ago, i was talking to a very special friend.
telling him how much i missed the moments we shared together.
the arguments. the laughters. the jokes. the drawing.
all of it.
i so loved him and i wasn't afraid to tell him that.
he knew i love him.
and i kept on doing so.
i haven't moved on from a broken heart.
i wasn't really that completely healed.
i know im the one who made the final decision that we have to part ways.
i am just being protective with my emotions.
hard headed as i am,
i took the risk of loving him.
i always believed that in love, PAIN and getting hurt is the risk everybody else's taking.
but once i get hurt, i stop.
i don't want to get hurt even more.
if i've been fooled once, then thats it.
no more second time around.
i stumbled many times. cried almost like a river.
strive hard to be as true and as human as i can be.
then i let go.
the bottom line is that:
i let go of the man i love because i don't want to cry again.
because i don't want to get hurt again.
because if he really loved me, he will not make me cry.
he will not do anything that will hurt my emotions.
though i know, "LQ's" is part of it.
but thats' just minor cases and that can be talked about.
individual difference.
yes. i admit.
im coward.
im afraid to get hurt.
but who isn't?
we all love the feeling of being in love and being loved in return.
but have we asked ourselves what more?
i needed more.
emotional security.
emotional stability.
and then one day,
i made another decision.
one that i myself couldn't even believe.
a friend once told me that a cure of a broken heart is just another affection.
find someone who you think is worth taking the risk again.
i took her advice as greatly as i could.
never imagining that a night later,
i said YES to a dear suitor.
after doing so,
i thought...
am i just doing this for a rebound?
or am i seeing things in a different manner?
i built a wall between me and that new boyfriend that i have.
i want to keep things on my own.
but my conscience told me that i am being unfair to the guy.
yes, i am. in my own different way.
another night had past again and my present boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend and i settled in a single chat room.
maybe thats' a sign.
because i never saw that coming.
i introduced them to each other.
saying that "this is my boyfriend" and "he is my old friend"
i myself was more shocked in what i just did.
the tension in my very spine was rushing like hell.
but it all surpassed when my ex moved out from the room.
logged off his computer or maybe he's just on invisible mode.
i don't know really.
i kept my silence.
i was in tears.
again.
happiness is a choice.
and i have chosen the not so easy way out.
getting hurt for more that 12 min. is self inflicted.
getting hurt for a week feels like a suicide.
the morning after,
while i was in the hospital getting my self checked,
i received a text message from the ex.
he said that he is indeed in great shock
and that he never saw that confrontation coming.
and that he is in hurt by what i did.
who isn't?
i am the one who's experiencing more pain.
i lost a very special person.
i'm trying to revive my self.
and now, another innocent person is involved in my stupidity.
and i feel sorry for him.
another night had passed,
i and my present boyfriend had a very heart breaking talk.
i told him everything.
everything.
every single detail.
every single story.
because as far as i see it?
that's the safest way to do it.
i don't want him to hear any other story.
or any other version of the real event that had happened.
i don't want to fool him around.
not anymore.
im not used in pretending.
im a real person.
with a real heart.
i just can't sleep at night and think that im fooling someone.
i wasn't raised that way.
we both cried as our talked ended.
i said how much i still love my ex.
and how much i wanted to move on.
i always wanted to pick up the broken pieces of my old self.
it's a good thing that my new boyfriend understood my situation.
he promised that he will make me fall in love with him
and that he will wait for the perfect time to prove himself to me.
he promised that he will not hurt me.
and that he will be true.
yeah. promises.
i don't know how he will do that.
but i guess i have to hold on to his promises.
after all, he is my boyfriend now.
and he deserves to have my full trust.
and i just hope he won't fail me.
me as a girl friend.
me as a friend.
me as a human.
as this day started,
i feel comfortable moving around the campus of chat room.
i know i have a man who will stand beside me.
just as what he promised.
i am now free to tell him that i love him.
not because i have to,
but because that is how i feel.
i am free from the agony of cursing myself.
and as i end this progress notes that i am having,
i want to quote a paragraph from the song
Lips Of An Angel by HINDER
"....its really good to hear your voice saying my name it sound so sweet,
coming from the lips of an angel hearing those words it makes me weak,
'cause i, never wanna say goodbye, but girl you make it hard to be faithful,
with the lips of an angel..."
i used to love this line.
it seems like the song was really meant for me.
but the again...
i thought,
now that i am finally free from my own nightmare
this is now my new song dedicated to myself
True To Your Heart by 98 Degrees and Stevie Wonder
from the movie Mulan
"True to your heart
You must be true to your heart
That's when the heavens will part
And baby shower you with my love
Open your eyes
Your heart can tell you no lies
And when you're true to your heart
I know it's gonna lead you straight to
me..."
i will end this now...
and i will start a brand new life.
and just continue laughing, jamming, sound tripping,
loving and more...
--May 8, 2007--
but thats' just minor cases and that can be talked about.
individual difference.
yes. i admit.
im coward.
im afraid to get hurt.
but who isn't?
we all love the feeling of being in love and being loved in return.
but have we asked ourselves what more?
i needed more.
emotional security.
emotional stability.
and then one day,
i made another decision.
one that i myself couldn't even believe.
a friend once told me that a cure of a broken heart is just another affection.
find someone who you think is worth taking the risk again.
i took her advice as greatly as i could.
never imagining that a night later,
i said YES to a dear suitor.
after doing so,
i thought...
am i just doing this for a rebound?
or am i seeing things in a different manner?
i built a wall between me and that new boyfriend that i have.
i want to keep things on my own.
but my conscience told me that i am being unfair to the guy.
yes, i am. in my own different way.
another night had past again and my present boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend and i settled in a single chat room.
maybe thats' a sign.
because i never saw that coming.
i introduced them to each other.
saying that "this is my boyfriend" and "he is my old friend"
i myself was more shocked in what i just did.
the tension in my very spine was rushing like hell.
but it all surpassed when my ex moved out from the room.
logged off his computer or maybe he's just on invisible mode.
i don't know really.
i kept my silence.
i was in tears.
again.
happiness is a choice.
and i have chosen the not so easy way out.
getting hurt for more that 12 min. is self inflicted.
getting hurt for a week feels like a suicide.
the morning after,
while i was in the hospital getting my self checked,
i received a text message from the ex.
he said that he is indeed in great shock
and that he never saw that confrontation coming.
and that he is in hurt by what i did.
who isn't?
i am the one who's experiencing more pain.
i lost a very special person.
i'm trying to revive my self.
and now, another innocent person is involved in my stupidity.
and i feel sorry for him.
another night had passed,
i and my present boyfriend had a very heart breaking talk.
i told him everything.
everything.
every single detail.
every single story.
because as far as i see it?
that's the safest way to do it.
i don't want him to hear any other story.
or any other version of the real event that had happened.
i don't want to fool him around.
not anymore.
im not used in pretending.
im a real person.
with a real heart.
i just can't sleep at night and think that im fooling someone.
i wasn't raised that way.
we both cried as our talked ended.
i said how much i still love my ex.
and how much i wanted to move on.
i always wanted to pick up the broken pieces of my old self.
it's a good thing that my new boyfriend understood my situation.
he promised that he will make me fall in love with him
and that he will wait for the perfect time to prove himself to me.
he promised that he will not hurt me.
and that he will be true.
yeah. promises.
i don't know how he will do that.
but i guess i have to hold on to his promises.
after all, he is my boyfriend now.
and he deserves to have my full trust.
and i just hope he won't fail me.
me as a girl friend.
me as a friend.
me as a human.
as this day started,
i feel comfortable moving around the campus of chat room.
i know i have a man who will stand beside me.
just as what he promised.
i am now free to tell him that i love him.
not because i have to,
but because that is how i feel.
i am free from the agony of cursing myself.
and as i end this progress notes that i am having,
i want to quote a paragraph from the song
Lips Of An Angel by HINDER
"....its really good to hear your voice saying my name it sound so sweet,
coming from the lips of an angel hearing those words it makes me weak,
'cause i, never wanna say goodbye, but girl you make it hard to be faithful,
with the lips of an angel..."
i used to love this line.
it seems like the song was really meant for me.
but the again...
i thought,
now that i am finally free from my own nightmare
this is now my new song dedicated to myself
True To Your Heart by 98 Degrees and Stevie Wonder
from the movie Mulan
"True to your heart
You must be true to your heart
That's when the heavens will part
And baby shower you with my love
Open your eyes
Your heart can tell you no lies
And when you're true to your heart
I know it's gonna lead you straight to
me..."
i will end this now...
and i will start a brand new life.
and just continue laughing, jamming, sound tripping,
loving and more...
--May 8, 2007--
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