The Missing Piece

as i was writing this, my tears kept falling.
i wanted to stop writing and just go on crying.
yesterday morning, a good family friend came by and say hi.
she asked me about going to church later that evening,
and i was stunned.
a bit surprised by her questioning.then i thought to myself.
how long have i not been going to church?
how love have i not entered that great palace?
how long have i stopped praying?
how long have i stopped bowing my head on him and just kept silent for a while?
in a year, how many times have i go to church?
what failed me?
who failed me?
i was hesitant to say yes to her favor as she said if it is possible to walk the aisle of goodness and just go to church later that night.
i continued laughing and giggling. a sign of defense mechanism to what she's talking.
i never went straight and just kept on giggling. then she said: "i will come by later tonight and fetch you. then we go to church together" i sighed and said: "yes! I'll be ready before you reached my home"
as the day progressed, i fell asleep and i when i woke up i realized that the sky is as gray and closely like black. the ragging thunder kept on banging and its like heaven is playing bowling up above. then the rain started pouring. as i thought: i don't own any umbrella and i could hardly remember the last umbrella that i used. now, heaven has no sign of stopping the pouting rain. as i thought: "is this a sign that i should not go to church? or is this a sign that no matter how heavy the rain is, no one can stop me from going to church?".
as time flies, i kept playing and laughing and running along with my two lovely nephews.
and 6 o'clock PM came, i went to shower and took a bath, ate my early dinner, get dressed and waited. so, they came and fetch me. i asked my other niece, who's also my age, a daughter of my eldest brother to come with me to the church, she said yes and we went together.
as i was there, i couldn't stop myself but look around and ask myself:
when was the last time i was here? hmm... that i could hardly remember.
as the mass started, i kept looking around silently. looking at the faces of old folks whom i once went to church with. and do nothing but sigh...
and i thought: how much i miss the old church friends, those who are with me when we practice for mass songs. those i often go with during thanksgiving and holy meal. nahh...
i missed them all. we hardly see each other lately. some of them got married, some of them have their own personal life their dealing with and that i don't know.
this was the fist time that my cellphone got shut off intentionally.
and as the worship progressed, i closely listened and just soul searched myself.
is this the missing piece of my old self?
is this what is missing all along? a time to spend to God and just be with myself and God himself?
as i ponder, i still cannot find the exact answer to my question.
have my heart grown cold as ice?
what is it? what's the missing piece that could make me whole?
the teaching of the Holy Bible said that, we have all our life spent to work, work and endless work and we only got one Sunday in a week and an hour to spend with Him.
have i gone eating more than i can chew?
hmm...
i am still on the processed called "soul searching"
i cannot go to other religion cause i know by heart, by blood and by soul i am what i am.
the way my parents brought me.
i might not be the only person in this world who have the same scenario like this.
i don't know what is the missing piece of my self. why i felt so empty, lost, alone, confused and "hanging", all i know that is i need to find my old self, and i will start by going to church...
and going to church faithfully. i might find my old self there.