im trying to control my emotions while writing this. my winamp is on its highest volume and i can't seem to understand anything. im confused. and what can i do? my tears started falling while im doing my very best to control it.
about 30 minutes ago, I'm so into my chatting and playing NTT (name that tune) together with some chat friends. i stood up to get a glass of water and saw my nephew lying peacefully on the sofa and is already asleep. i put off the lights and turned off the television. maybe he grew tired watching the same old cartoon from cartoon network. i took a glass of water from the kitchen and so i continued chatting and even laughing at the corniest jokes thrown at the chat room. when all of the sudden, my nephews started crying. i called out for my nanay and asked her to look for my nephew, maybe he had a bad dream. when he started to cry out loud, i was alarmed because its something unusual, he cried that much when he is in deep pain. i stood up and cuddled him. we put on the lights and our energies started to climb when he kept on uttering words that i couldn't even understand. he mumbles and cried so deeply hard. he was even pointing to my nanay's room and it seems like he was really afraid and he has seen something not so natural. i carried him on my arms and went out side. my fears is all over me. i can sense something is wrong. but i don't know what it is. i started talking to him while rubbing his back, saying that it was just a bad dream and dreams are not real. but he started screaming even more. he mumbles words like: "ayaw ko og kwaa" (don't get me) and cries a little bit more. i had him on my arms and told him to embrace me real hard and just keep his eyes closed, he started saying: "love lang" and i got more confused. he was 5 years old and his parents weren't here beside him because they're in Dubai, working and he was left alone in our care. when my niece, whose my age, carried him, i stared at my nephew and my fears is starting to level up high. his eyes are like rolling balls and he's pointing his hand up while saying the same words all over again. i was on my tears when i saw him like that. it may seem funny but the first thing i remembered was the last time i was in the Psychiatric ward. my patients are acting the same way. i know we don't have "psych" genes. but most of those who are in the psych ward are with the same cases. brutally rapped, war shocked or seeing the unexplained. so my imaginations are leveling high now. too much sci-fi movies i guess. haha (now i'm starting to laugh). my nephew wanted to lay in the hammock, so i laid him down. rubbing his legs and all i want him to feel was that i am there and nobody can hurt him. he closed his eyes while i was there with him.
my nanay called me and said that my nephew is having real bad dreams lately. he often cries from sleep and often say that he saw my late tatay (who died 2 years ago). then i remember tatay. he's one of the reasons why i don't like to remember the past. one of the reasons why i still cry on my way to sleep. one of the reasons why i maintained distance to strangers. one of the reasons why i'm so paranoid of the idea of getting married. one of the reasons why i'm so over protective to my emotions.
tatay died 2 years ago and it seems to me like it was just yesterday. i was so busy with a lot of things lately that i even forgot to visit his grave on his 2nd anniversary. i failed to believe in things like the: "not-so-like-ours", the unexplained, the world of unknown and the not so super natural. i asked my nanay why my nephew seems to be the only one who can see my late father. she explained to me that, tatay and my nephew was "close" when tatay was still alive. ohh.. i got that. my nephew looks exactly like me, the male version. the eyes. the smile, the skin color, he's stubborn, strong willed and hard headed. he often takes risk and climbs on our neighbors wall the same way i did when i was young. he is little "jet2" male version. my nephew is my mirror.
the events that happened today made me realize that beyond reason there's something else. for what ever that means. haha..
as i end this, my nephew is soundly eating his dinner while watching television again. i told my niece to accompany him and never leave him. put on the lights and just talk to my nephew like nothing extra ordinary happened.
i honestly, swear to God, miss my tatay so much. and where ever he is now, may he rest in peace. miss you tay and i love you po always. ill pay visit to his grave tomorrow. promise.
--jet2--
about 30 minutes ago, I'm so into my chatting and playing NTT (name that tune) together with some chat friends. i stood up to get a glass of water and saw my nephew lying peacefully on the sofa and is already asleep. i put off the lights and turned off the television. maybe he grew tired watching the same old cartoon from cartoon network. i took a glass of water from the kitchen and so i continued chatting and even laughing at the corniest jokes thrown at the chat room. when all of the sudden, my nephews started crying. i called out for my nanay and asked her to look for my nephew, maybe he had a bad dream. when he started to cry out loud, i was alarmed because its something unusual, he cried that much when he is in deep pain. i stood up and cuddled him. we put on the lights and our energies started to climb when he kept on uttering words that i couldn't even understand. he mumbles and cried so deeply hard. he was even pointing to my nanay's room and it seems like he was really afraid and he has seen something not so natural. i carried him on my arms and went out side. my fears is all over me. i can sense something is wrong. but i don't know what it is. i started talking to him while rubbing his back, saying that it was just a bad dream and dreams are not real. but he started screaming even more. he mumbles words like: "ayaw ko og kwaa" (don't get me) and cries a little bit more. i had him on my arms and told him to embrace me real hard and just keep his eyes closed, he started saying: "love lang" and i got more confused. he was 5 years old and his parents weren't here beside him because they're in Dubai, working and he was left alone in our care. when my niece, whose my age, carried him, i stared at my nephew and my fears is starting to level up high. his eyes are like rolling balls and he's pointing his hand up while saying the same words all over again. i was on my tears when i saw him like that. it may seem funny but the first thing i remembered was the last time i was in the Psychiatric ward. my patients are acting the same way. i know we don't have "psych" genes. but most of those who are in the psych ward are with the same cases. brutally rapped, war shocked or seeing the unexplained. so my imaginations are leveling high now. too much sci-fi movies i guess. haha (now i'm starting to laugh). my nephew wanted to lay in the hammock, so i laid him down. rubbing his legs and all i want him to feel was that i am there and nobody can hurt him. he closed his eyes while i was there with him.
my nanay called me and said that my nephew is having real bad dreams lately. he often cries from sleep and often say that he saw my late tatay (who died 2 years ago). then i remember tatay. he's one of the reasons why i don't like to remember the past. one of the reasons why i still cry on my way to sleep. one of the reasons why i maintained distance to strangers. one of the reasons why i'm so paranoid of the idea of getting married. one of the reasons why i'm so over protective to my emotions.
tatay died 2 years ago and it seems to me like it was just yesterday. i was so busy with a lot of things lately that i even forgot to visit his grave on his 2nd anniversary. i failed to believe in things like the: "not-so-like-ours", the unexplained, the world of unknown and the not so super natural. i asked my nanay why my nephew seems to be the only one who can see my late father. she explained to me that, tatay and my nephew was "close" when tatay was still alive. ohh.. i got that. my nephew looks exactly like me, the male version. the eyes. the smile, the skin color, he's stubborn, strong willed and hard headed. he often takes risk and climbs on our neighbors wall the same way i did when i was young. he is little "jet2" male version. my nephew is my mirror.
the events that happened today made me realize that beyond reason there's something else. for what ever that means. haha..
as i end this, my nephew is soundly eating his dinner while watching television again. i told my niece to accompany him and never leave him. put on the lights and just talk to my nephew like nothing extra ordinary happened.
i honestly, swear to God, miss my tatay so much. and where ever he is now, may he rest in peace. miss you tay and i love you po always. ill pay visit to his grave tomorrow. promise.
--jet2--
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