My First Suicide Attempt

"after all the talks and tears, the battle has begun. simple silent war that ended with blood"

this is how i wanted to start this blog. i was simply holding a scalpel blade (an evily sharp blade --- which is often use for surgery --- literally), my mind was full and i cant think straight. i was crying from a verbal battle my sister and i had and it was horrible. after the great event, the deep night came and i was holding a scalpel while sitting on the chair while my sister and my friend belyn was fast asleep and was laid silently on bed.

i was there --- confused and guilty for making my sister cry and sad. i was there --- sitting foolishly. i looked at the scalpel blade and took a deep breath and i thought --- what would happen next? i hold the scalpel and started pointing it on my left wrist. little did i notice that the blood started to run down, i almost cried in pain but i kept silent and i thought --- damn! that hurts. i washed my wrist with cold water on the faucet and said to myself --- not now. i have review tomorrow. and with the help of my wrist watch, i covered the wound with nothing. i fell asleep the moment after.

we went on the review class the day after, ate and i was talking and i thought thats a nice start. later that day, i wrote something about what is on mind and when she learned, she was furious like hell.

sunday came and the battle begun again. this time it was through chat, while ate is home and i am at a certain internet cafe. it was more bruttal this time, words are more drastic. more uncivilized. i went home (to our pad) and i was like acting normally.

the night came and there i was sitting on the same chair, on the same angle, on the same back ground and with the same thought. belyn was fast asleep and she didnt know what i was doing while the whole world is in deep silence.

i was again holding that little tiny blade and i was like, this time, it will be for real.

this is how i did the funniest thing in my whole freaking life.

1. i washed my wrist at the faucet with flowing water, along with a soap and rinse my wrist thoroughly --- yes, BS nursing graduate as i am, i know what to do with my life to prevent infections. thorough hand washing is a basic step for good clean life.

2. i alcoholized my wrist and the blade which i am going to use for my crazy - foolish idea.

3. there i was, looking pale and struck with the truth that i will end everything with one cut of the sharp blade on my wrist.

4. i started palpating where my pulse is located and started pointing the blade on that and started cutting my own self. i took a deep breath and closed my eyes

5. the blood stared to flow on my wrist and there i saw at about 2 inch knife cut. it was red blood and i can really feel the pain. damn!

as i realized that what i am doing will not do anything about me and my life, i took another deep breath and stopped what i was doing.

i was there again thinking --- if i do this, its 12:26 AM and i was alone with belyn fast asleep. "wala ng taxi or jeep and pwede ma para sa kanto para mag hatid sa akin sa hospital and davao doctors hospital --- and Gosh! mahirap nga pala ako sa daga, kaya hindi ko kakayanin ang bill sa expensive na hospital na yun. ang public hospital naman, baka wala na akong dugo pagdating dun pagnagpakamatay ako ngayon, saka malaki na hirap ko sa kaka review ko, makapal na kalyo ng kamay ko sa kakasulat, malaki na effort ko sa pag file sa PRC, mag e-exam muna ako..." --- this is my exact thought that time. then i laughed.

i went on to the CR and washed my hands. washed my face with cold water floweing on the faucet and said to my self --- kagagahan sa life... hahaha

now you know why i entitled this as: my first suicide attempt --- the funniest and stupidest thing i ever did on my entire life.

i was never suicidal. i was concrete with my thoughts and i was pure idealistic. killing myself would be the MOST IMPULSIVE thing i ever did.

now --- one week after the event, here i am, sitting and writing my ideas. what was left behind was that little wound. very much like a scar. a scar that will make me realize how crazy i became when i was y0ung. the scar that will remind me that life is worth living and suicide is never an answer.

as i write this one, i laugh --- laugh real freaking hard. i was foolish. impulsive and depress.

but i am more happy now --- my sister is talking to me now and she is slowly laughing from day to day. we are at the moment friends --- talking and laughing friends --- sisters --- thats what we are.

we have to live with that fact no matter how much we detest each other --- family will always be a family. my sisters : ate not2, ate mimie, ate jing2, kuya renan, kuya hector, ram and blix (my nephews) and most especially NANAY --- are the only reason why i have to keep myself alive. --- because they are MY LIFE.