It Has Always Been You

so here i am, 2 hours after i opened this site, still with no words coming out. i just cant seem to concentrate. things are just not the way they used to be.
this past days, ive been "doctor love" for some girls who went on talking to me and asking me for advises, as if i know everything about love, and yet i tried, little did i notice, that a part from being not so therapeutic with my answers, i am able to come up with decent answers to their queries.
little did they know that i too have an unresolved heart problems on my own.
i was about to sleep earlier tonight when someone i do not know sent me a message talking about the latest thoughts i wrote on this blog. and that person is trying to start a decent conversation, even said that she often reads my writing and finds it "kakainis" and yet i wondered why she kept on reading it.
she told me she knew me and yet she wont tell who she was, so i kept on talking to her because our conversation drove to a decent topic which concerns one person. then my tears started falling. its hard to pretend you're happy though you know to your self that you're not --- and yes, im talking to my self here --- yes! thats what she reminds me as out conversation moved on.
if i can only turn back time, i would. i did suppress my emotion for the past months because i know it will do me no good if i kept on clinging to a person whom i know will never come back to me. its been hard when out of nowhere, my phone rings and the ring tone reminds me of that one smart guy i met months ago and all i can do i go to the bathroom and take a long shower for me to ease the burning pain im feeling inside, as the water flows, it hides the tears in my eyes.
its hard when i ended up finding myself in our review center thinking about him and the good times we spent together. how can i possibly move on with life if i kept on doing same things? remembering same old memories? then im on tears again. thats painful.
as i continuously write all my emotions here, things aren't the same as the way i left it. he is nowhere to be found. he is busy with a lot of things i guess and he's happy wherever he is now.
as my conversation with that woman continuous, i found my self crying in front of the computer again, im talking about this guy whom i love and i was pouring emotions which i suppressed for how many months now and i was telling her how i missed this guy and little did i realize that she was a complete stranger.
i was even telling her that beyond my flings, it was this guy whom i want to spend more time with. and most often than not, this guy was the reason why i break up with who ever i'm hooked up with. i just can't love anyone the way i loved him. the way i cherished my moments with him, the way we laugh and have fun together.
if i can only say this words to the real person i'm referring, i would, and i would say: IT'S YOU THAT I WANT, IT'S YOU THAT I NEED. IT'S YOU THAT I LOVE. --- and yet, i might sound foolish, he already moved on, and i guess, it would be rightful if i would do the same --- right?
later as i and that woman ended our conversation, she told me, she too loved the same man. isn't that perfect? i was talking about him and telling her how much i missed that guy and at the end of the line, she would confess to me that the person whom she loved and the person whom i loved is the same? and that they knew each other for quite some time and yet, she's just coward to tell him about her emotions. and i was like, great. just great.
hahay... can i end this with that emotion? i'm just tired and all i want is to retire to my bed with a sound and mirthful mind.
to you --- AFB --- i hope you're reading this. i missed you and i never stopped loving you.