Thoughts Of A Misunderstood Woman

i was in the middle of my silent sleep last night when i heard ate jing2 and belyn discussing about some things that concerns our daily topic in the review. in the middle of the night while they are still talking, i felt my tummy growl and i remembered that i haven't taken any decent food aside from that ice cream we bought earlier that afternoon.
so i stood up and asked ate if they took some dinner and she said, they didn't. so i was like: is there any rice? she had a long pause and said to me that there's none. so i was like, what food do we have? and ate stood up and said, ill help cook rice and we'll have late dinner. i stood up and looked at our table and there it was... a yummy chopseuy made by belyn. yummy! i thought. i always makes sure that i eat healthy vegies every week.
time passed and belyn was in her sleep and ate and i were eating heartily in our table, out of nowhere the topics that we had became so serious. serious enough to put tears in my eyes while eating.
the first topic was about Gerry, i told ate how important Gerry was and how i value him as a man, and how i appreciate him as a unique individual, and though as much as we both wanted, we knew from the very first time that we met, that i can never have him, that i can never go beyond what is expected. i already made certain and i know to my self that the boundaries i made between i and Gerry can never be crossed.
he is happily married and he often said that he loves me. yeah, honestly speaking, Gerry is special, he treats me right, he treats me with respect and understood me well and i never lied to him, i always say that i appreciate his effort of making communications with me.
days passed and i was like questioning Gerry's love: how can a single individual say he was able to love two persons at the same time? how can that be possible? two emotions at the same time?
i cannot control how Gerry would feel if he'd read this, or how he would react if he knows I'm talking about him in this blog site.
maybe he'll get mad, or maybe not. maybe he'd hate me, or maybe not. maybe he'd learn to love me more, or maybe not. maybe he'd go away and leave me, or maybe not. how can i tell?
i told ate jing2 that when i and Gerry talk, i always made sure that he'd gave his wife a call, i often ask how is his son doing in school, if he's excelling as a nursing student or not.
i often ask about his wife and he said that she's pretty fine and in good health, she's beautiful as he described her. i could never feel that jealousy. i know where i stand. i know what lies beneath this special friendship that Gerry and i have.
i was never confused with the relationship that i have with him. i know how much he values his wife and i know that what Gerry and i have are purely special and nothing extra more.
its not that im careless or so careful, but i know how to carry myself and how to deal with matured married man like him. we were friends. special friends that is. more than that? nahh.. it would be too good to be true.
i tried to evaluate myself why i could not go on with a messy life. i told ate jing and i wasn't raised the normal way every child would dream of. and she told me i was raised by money and not of love. yeah. i can agree with her.
there's so much in life that i wish i didn't have. there's so much in life that i wished i have, yet i couldn't. things that are so near and yet so far as what the song stated. things that up to now, as i write this, i regretted.
as i stated: i wasn't raised normally. i was raised with house helps around me, while my nanay is away and while tatay is so busy dealing with his own life, even feeling like a single man, thus ending up having "other" wife.
if i wanted something, tatay would give that to me, and i thought that was cool. if i needed money, he would provide and i thought that was even great. but in the later years of my life i realized that i was raised awfully. i was guided by people who doesn't care much of my studies, doesn't even care if my studies are nicely crafted or not. i was raised by a father who wouldn't care id i have bad or good grades. what matters most for him was that, i will graduate on time. he doesn't need a daughter for a valedictorian or with first honors.
thats what i hated the most. i was given with so much freedom that one day i realized that i wanted someone who'll control me. someone who will look after me, who will encouraged me to do good and appreciate me for what i achieved. i know to myself that i could have done better things when i was younger, if only i was guided with right people, if only i was raised with people who cares a lot. if only i have a tatay and a nanay who would stand beside me and give me an applause or encourage me to do more.
ate not2 said, life as it is and human as we are, we never really have satisfaction. ok. fact accepted. but i could have been a better person now if a wasn't raised differently. ate jing2 said, i was raised differently because they weren't there when i was still in school, they're also living they're own life to even notice that i existed.
ate jing2 said, that i am living my life so "ideally" and the concept and my perception of things are different because i looked at it in a different manner. my thoughts are ideal and my visions are ideal. why is that?
maybe because i learned in the earlier part of my life, that even if it is always said that "life is not perfect" we can make things better if we work hard to make it better.
my concept of marriage is ideal because i don't want my future son's and daughters to experience and feel my experiences. i want to raise my kids with parents on their side. loving them, caring for them, looking after their every single needs, and taking care of them.
i know every woman would desire that, but all i can assure is that when i commit myself to someone, i would commit to him and only him because i don't want history to repeat it self. i look at the world of marriage differently because often times, marriage isn't perfect, but at some point in my life, i like my marriage to be successful, if not perfect.
i was raised with my tatay having other wife and i know how it feels to be left behind. feeling that uncertainty. feeling that coldness from with in. feeling like theres no one in the world who can actually appreciate my presence and can love me like i wanted so bad my father would do. he was so near and yet so engross with his other wife, later, he left me. he left us. i was raised by my father differently and he left me shattered.
if i could only blame him, now that he is six feet under the ground, i would. he was the main reason why i feel miserable until this very moment of my life, why i feel weak and why i am contented with a miserable life and never aiming for something batter. he was the reason why i accepted the fact that i was no good in any way because he never appreciated me as a person, he was the reason why i feel this certain "failure" deep inside me because he never pushed me to the limits. i can never prove myself to someone. i have nothing to prove because he never encouraged me to be eager to graduate cum laude. i was always satisfied with 75 thats why i never pushed my self to have 95.
i was guided differently. i was guided in the most improper way.
there are times in my life that people tends to appreciate what i do, they say, that im good at this and im great with that --- deep in me, i would ask: am i really good? then ill end up answering myself that i was never good enough. i was never good in everything i do.
behind the smile lies a big aching-misunderstood woman. what others see is a beautiful talente miss jet, and yet they failed to see the real jet from with in. they failed to look deeply. they failed to notice the sadness that i feel every time i see a mother, a father and a daughter holding hands while walking inside a food chain or how painful it is so see a daughter held by her father while going to church.it was always hard feeling this way. pretending to be happy but knowing from with in that am not.
and though i often feel weak and feels confuse, all i do is go to the bathroom and lock my self there, cry for a little while taking my cold bath and ill feel better after wards. the very least i needed now is pity --- spare me from that. i may be weak but im good in hiding the real jet. so if ever we'll bump into each other in the busy street of new york (i wish), smile at me and say hi. that would be greatly appreciated.
as i end this, my eyes are blocked with so much tears and my nose are pouring some mucous secretions that tasted salty. hahaha... pretty disgusting isn't it?
at least now i learned to smile...
moral lesson? do more and aim to achieve more.