I've been staring on this page for more than half an hour and i just couldn't understand what to put in here. There are times in my life that all i wanna do is pour everything out and write as fast as i can and just leave everything behind. Often times it works, but there will always be an exemption to every rule. Things happen for a reason as what other people say, Thy will be done of course.
Before i went to sleep early this morning, something unlikely happened. Everything slipped like grains of sand flowing from my hands into the ground. I wasn't caught off guard but heaven knows i don't want to end it just like that. Yes! i could say this in total honesty, I have been entertaining the "thoughts" for more than a day, but i wasn't prepared that the exact day will be last night.
I felt like I'm draining inside out so I forced myself to sleep because i do not want to shred a single tear. I know i can bear it with inhale-exhale continuous cycle, besides, tears will not boost my morales either. I curled myself to bed and covered my face with a pillow. No more tears please, i said to myself. I'll deal with this tomorrow when my mind is fresh and i am able to think straight and normal. Just not now.
And so tomorrow is now, and here i am. What now?
Truth here is: I've been confused for the past days for a different reason. I maybe young at 22, but time is running fast and all i wanted was to settle for something i know i can do good. I felt like I'm worthless at some point, looking at those people who have been living their life productively. I already confided to my friends and my counselor about this matter and they stated the same thing. Maybe my time isn't "right-now" but everything will fall into their right places in due time. They kept on consoling me with the "been-there-done-that" scenario. This is whats bugging me for the past weeks. This is the reason why i felt like I'm totally drained and confused.
I have so much on my plate right now that i do not understand anything at all. My brain is not functioning and I felt like it shut down for no reason.
On the other part of the world, the only source of my happiness has more to think about at the moment. I understood it plainly. He stated the facts, laid down his cards, so who am i to interfere? I know that there will be no room for regrets here since at one point thats what i really wanted.
Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be --- as the song goes. Maybe everything is too much at the moment. The least i need now is someone telling me (or making me feel) how moron i am and how unproductive i am living my life at the moment (yes! he means well, but when a persons morales is as low as the deepest part of the world, a person could just think about anything. NO! its not about mis-understanding the whole phrase and not thoroughly reading between the lines but It felt like: adding more insult to the injured). And the least he needs now is someone as foolish as me. I don't want him wasting his saved energy and listen to my endless personal problems. (well, he doesn't want it either --- he has more to look ahead).
For now, i have plans. Make the most out of me. (and I'm pretty sure he also has his plans) The next time i face him, i will make sure that i have something to offer and not just the plain me. The next time i had him, i will never let him leave again. For now, we both have different roads to cross and different struggles to surpass. Till then
Before i went to sleep early this morning, something unlikely happened. Everything slipped like grains of sand flowing from my hands into the ground. I wasn't caught off guard but heaven knows i don't want to end it just like that. Yes! i could say this in total honesty, I have been entertaining the "thoughts" for more than a day, but i wasn't prepared that the exact day will be last night.
I felt like I'm draining inside out so I forced myself to sleep because i do not want to shred a single tear. I know i can bear it with inhale-exhale continuous cycle, besides, tears will not boost my morales either. I curled myself to bed and covered my face with a pillow. No more tears please, i said to myself. I'll deal with this tomorrow when my mind is fresh and i am able to think straight and normal. Just not now.
And so tomorrow is now, and here i am. What now?
Truth here is: I've been confused for the past days for a different reason. I maybe young at 22, but time is running fast and all i wanted was to settle for something i know i can do good. I felt like I'm worthless at some point, looking at those people who have been living their life productively. I already confided to my friends and my counselor about this matter and they stated the same thing. Maybe my time isn't "right-now" but everything will fall into their right places in due time. They kept on consoling me with the "been-there-done-that" scenario. This is whats bugging me for the past weeks. This is the reason why i felt like I'm totally drained and confused.
I have so much on my plate right now that i do not understand anything at all. My brain is not functioning and I felt like it shut down for no reason.
On the other part of the world, the only source of my happiness has more to think about at the moment. I understood it plainly. He stated the facts, laid down his cards, so who am i to interfere? I know that there will be no room for regrets here since at one point thats what i really wanted.
Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be --- as the song goes. Maybe everything is too much at the moment. The least i need now is someone telling me (or making me feel) how moron i am and how unproductive i am living my life at the moment (yes! he means well, but when a persons morales is as low as the deepest part of the world, a person could just think about anything. NO! its not about mis-understanding the whole phrase and not thoroughly reading between the lines but It felt like: adding more insult to the injured). And the least he needs now is someone as foolish as me. I don't want him wasting his saved energy and listen to my endless personal problems. (well, he doesn't want it either --- he has more to look ahead).
For now, i have plans. Make the most out of me. (and I'm pretty sure he also has his plans) The next time i face him, i will make sure that i have something to offer and not just the plain me. The next time i had him, i will never let him leave again. For now, we both have different roads to cross and different struggles to surpass. Till then
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