Sunday, May 24, 2009

Bipolar

its been a while since the last time i wrote something.
its been a while since the last time i faced this computer and thought about something that bothers me, or something that already made me smile, or a case where this certain event made me cry.
its been a while since the last time i opened my thoughts and eventually put my thoughts into writing.
as you all know, I've been away in the internet world (FYI: in front of the PC) for 2 months now, I've been dealing with a lot of stressful things and some weird ideas.
let me state this clearly: this part of my writing would be a world salad --- you might ask, what is word salad? it is a psychological capability of a person who's psychotic / neurotic. they tend to shift from one topic to another.
let me start with this:

THE REVIEW
going to a review center was fun, i was able to meet and understand loads of things, those things that i have not learned in school, or maybe the teacher (way back on my college years taught me) but i was just "physically or mentally" absent. ok. put the blame on me. I'll accept that. after all, it was really my greatest mistake -- thinking now --- that i didn't do good in my college years. (FYI: I'm not a bad girl during those years, I'm just too lazy to pick up my notebook and read them over night --- yeah! that was my mistake).
during the review, i had loads of fun learning new things. i am obviously back to the basic learning skills. i was once amazed by this certain reviewer that we have. he can actually memorize the human anatomy (wow!) he graduated as magna cum laude in a respectable school in davao city and he was the top 9 on the National Exam last December of 2006, and months after, he was a reviewer. he taught us many things, those things that we badly needed to remember and memorize to be able to pass the national exam this december.
so what i did was put my butt in the middle of the table and learned how to draw. draw what? well, i know to my self that drawing was not one of the nicest thing that i do but i did strive hard (through the help of books) to memorize and locate all body parts. and eventually, night after night i gained this self confidence that what i am doing is the right and correct parts of the human body. i memorize the body parts, internalize it, live it by heart and draw it in a clean sheet of paper, after doing such, I'll name the parts of my drawing and try to check each of them.
yes! i know --- this things are being taught to students during their first year, and YES! it's only now that i realized the necessity of memorizing each of the body organs.
i have learned to love HEART (i mean the human anatomy of the heart) because it is something that was well taught during my 4th year. aside from the fact that the instructor was darn so good (and cute --- well, they thought he's cute, a very masculine, tall, dark and intelligent RN he is).
he made the human anatomy of the heart so easy and understandable, thus making sense.
moving on to the review,
today was our last day in the review for the local (first part of the 3 part review) and we have had a comprehensive exam.
150 items (2 sets) for one and 15 minutes. imagine that.
they're like trying to kill us and bombard us with loads of practice questions.
though i really find it helpful, at the end of the day, i realized one thing.
its fun learning new things. its fun learning when you're leaning from the heart. it is fun when you satisfy yourself with good grades.
it was always fun when you do things right and you pour much emotion on it and found out that that effort that you exerted was just not enough but it made you so happy, and what more if you exerted more and more effort? and the golden price would be a license stating: REGISTERED NURSE.
wow! just awesome.
thank God for those awesome reviewers that we have had.
praises to God for showering me with much blessing.

MID AFTERNOON
my sister (jing2) and my friend belyn live in a pad --- a studio type pad, with a bathroom and kitchen where we were able to cook meals (breakfast and dinner) of course, we're all not used to eating in fast food, and to cut down expenses, we cook.
a shelve in our pad was composed of medical books (those books are really helpful for us) and though ate jing2 and i lived in the same house and we studied same course and graduated with flying colors on the same year, we have different sets of books.
it doesn't matter if the book have the same author, the point there is we have to have a book, each of us. we cannot share book. why?
fact no 1: she is more neat with her things while i tend to draw and color my book with a lot of markers. indications that i have already opened and read that part of the book.
fact no 2: she is very careful with her book while i put my books where i feel comfortable, as long as its not wet and free from harm (never really cared if its full of dust) as long as i can easily reach it.
there's this one mid afternoon while ate, belyn and i were walking along the endless road of davao and we stopped on this small corner to have our lunch. there were bunches of small stores selling decent food. it is near a college public college and most of the students in that university ate their lunch on that area so we figured out that, since most of them dine in this place, why can't we?
so i ordered a piece of chicken (thigh part --- i like thighs because it has a lot of bones in it and i really had fun eating those small bones... hahaha) and a rice, worth 20.00 pesos. see how cheap their food was?
if you happen to pass by to jolibee, a piece of chicken and a lovely gravy would cost about 60 pesos or more.
anyway... so we had fun eating out lunch and since it is a public place, we cannot move along with out seeing beggars.
there's this one beggar (a boy --- about 4-5 years old) who ask us some food, so ate jing2 told this kid to wait until we finished eating, and another beggar came close again (this one was like a toddler --- 2-3 years old) and ask for some coke, we were like, ok wait till we finish, that little boy scolded that little girl and said: "unya na pagmahuman sila" (mamaya na pag natapos na sila).
and i was like: holy God! i should always be thankful that i am not like one of them, one of those who have to beg just to have food to eat.
when we finished eating, i called out for the boy and gave him my share of coke. he was holding this plastic cup and i poured my share (since i don't drink soft drink much) ans gave him that piece of meat (the part of my chicken) and he was like running across somewhere and he was gone.
a few minutes after, we spotted that little girl who begged us for a drink and we belyn called her and pour her share of soft drink to that styrofoam cup she was holding and moved along with her life as she took a gulp of that soft drink.
at the end of out lunch, we prepared and readied ourselves because we needed to buy a book (NCLEX REVIEW BOOK BY LINDA SILVESTRE PUBLISHED BY SAUNDERS)
we saw this boy along with her small sister and her mother and father. he was looking at us, smiling and saying his thank you. he tapped his father and said: "sila man naghatag ana" (they were the one who gave this) and his father leaned down his head and said thank you.
i was like really amazed. why?
i therefor realized important things in life
"that instead of complaining, why don't we count our blessings?"
(people usually complain because they don't have this material things that other people have, we tend to complain about the food we eat, but have we ever thought of others who's dying to have a sip of water? those kid who have to work and even beg just to fill their empty stomach? have they ever thought and gave praises to God for all the things god endlessly showered upon them all through out this years?)
point no 2:
that beggar? i guess he's an indigent. knowing from the color of his skin, to the way he spoke the words and of course, the hair. i was just amazed that even those indigenous people, they were able to say the word: THANK YOU
i was just wondering why those people who at some point in their life entered in a decent school, doesn't even know the word gratitude? doesn't even know the word thank you.

BIPOLAR
i have this unusual tendency to self medicate when I'm sick, i calculate my own medication. do the drug study and learn about the side effects of the drug.
as i stated earlier, I'm a very lazy person, so i don't drink much medicines because i don't want to be drug dependent.
i often go to the clinic of my dentist and do yearly medical check up.
if i feel something wrong with me, i drink a lot of water and sleep more.
but there's this one incident that while my sister and i were riding a jeep and just about to go home, i realized that i have this tendency to become actively manic and also this tendency to become so depress.
i love to laugh and giggles a lot, do crazy things and just enjoy life, and i also have this tendency to get so emotionally depress.
they say, manic people are those who are loud and even dresses up loudly (color orange and the likes) and very argumentative --- yeah! just like me (except for, i don't free loudly, i dress up to complement my skin color, mostly white and pastel in color, light brown and the likes)
depression on the other hand have this tendency to commit suicide, so as i thought about it and as i recall past things, i never had any suicidal attempts though i have been through hell in life.
i have this tendency to just shut my mouth up when I'm depress and since i do talk a lot --- silence would be very unusual for some one like me.
when I'm silent, i think a lot.
i tend to imagine things and have this tendency to put conclusion, made presumptions.
AND SO...
i self diagnosed myself...
bipolar... undifferentiated.
hahaha... can you imagine that?

PS: i have not done my research about bipolar undifferentiated, but to tell you honestly? it does really exist.
i have not taken any anti-psychotic drugs, so fear not, I'm a well being, conscious about time, place and person.
I eat well and have not seen any psychiatrist --- YET!
though during my high school days, i loved going to the guidance office --- not to be reprimanded --- but to have my daily "pouring out of emotion thing"

i just wish I'm like Professor Dumbledore of the flick Harry Potter, he has this very nice pensive where he can pour out all his thoughts by just one whisk his wand. hehehe
wishful thinking huh?

till here... love lots :)

jet2




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